Staying on the funny side…of Weight Loss Secrets
I would like to thank TiredOfYourWeight@WhosTheNextIdiot.com for the email you just sent reminding me that I’m overweight. How did you find me? Were you there when I used emergency money to buy girl scout cookies? When I dove between the sofa cushions because I thought I saw a French fry? When I ran past you in my bathing suit at the pool and took out three toddlers? How do you people know that I want to lose weight, need money transferred from Nigerian royalty, and have been looking everywhere for a fake Rolodex? Baffling.
So, Mister TiredOfYourWeight, I appreciate that you took time in the middle of the night to send me this urgent email to share your weight loss secret that is sure to revolutionize the world and to give me the opportunity to buy into it before anyone else. I am flattered that you spend so much time and energy caring about strangers. I wish you would spend the same amount of time learning to spell and removing the strands of gibberish in your heartfelt message which, until I speak in tongues, I am unable to translate. I’m sure you mean well, but I don’t need the revolutionary answer to instant weight loss. You see, I already know the answer, and have known it for years. In fact, it really hasn’t been much of a secret since 4th grade biology. Eat less than you are, exercise more than you are, and you will lose weight. Shocking I know. Knowing what to do isn’t the secret. It’s doing it.
You see, I would rather drink lumpy shakes made out of goat’s urine, strap thirty pounds of spandex to my body, and spend thousands on hairdos, clothes, and accessories guaranteed to make me look a size smaller. I would rather have my colon flushed and take diet pills that cause hair loss, fainting spells, and the unavoidable explosive diarrhea. But don’t make me eat vegetables – that’s just gross. I want those programs where you actually pay more to eat less. I would rather spend hours reading manuals from experts claiming it’s not the quantity but the combinations of foods– just don’t mix the brown Snickers with the tan French fries and you’re fine.
I want to sit around perplexed saying, “But I don’t eat that much” and convince myself that I must have some rare thyroid condition and that everybody’s order contains the word Supersize. I want to buy exercise tapes that I’m too lazy to open and fancy treadmills to hold my plants, rather than park at the back of the parking lot and take the stairs. I am not interested in the kind of exercise where I am involved. I don’t even want to get up to change the TV. I once watched a twenty-four hour Valerie Bertinelli marathon because I couldn’t find the remote. I would rather sit around with a group of other overweight people and have them tell me size doesn’t matter and look at skinny people in disgust and hope they’re miserable.
So I do know the secret to weight loss, Mr. TiredOfYourWeight. Perhaps if you could come up with a revolutionary way to do the things we don’t want to do. Now that I would read. So thanks but no thanks. I would, however, be interested in a way to earn a million in a week without ever having to get dressed or leave my house. Do you have a cousin who does that?
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Saturday, March 8, 2008
On Passion...
PASSION CAN'T BE BOUGHT, GIVEN, ACHIEVED,OR FAKED. BUT PASSION CAN BE FOUND.
I quit my job to follow my passion - professional storytelling a career path that offered no money, no ladder to climb, and no books telling me how to do it. But I was lucky because I had something more important than talent. I had passion something that can't be bought. But it can be FOUND. In every single one of us there burns that blue flame of passion. It's just buried deeper in some - underneath life's obligations, fear, insecurities, and negative forces. So how do we get to that inner flame?
FIND THOSE THINGS THAT MAKE YOUR HEART SING
Get away from the noise. Sit down and think. What brings you joy? What do you love to do more than anything? In what can you lose all sense of time and surrounding? Is it shopping? Is painting children? Is it food? Is it reading about Greek mythology? Don't think about what this would mean or what it should be. This is about you. And know that it probably won't be one thing. Passions are often a culmination of many desires.
DON'T LOOK AT THE WORLD AND ITS BOXES
So often I hear someone state their passion and immediately discard the thought because they see it in only one box. You make a mistake if you cut your dream off at the pass. I would dare to say that ANY passion can be turned into a lucrative career if you are willing to see outside the box that the world has created. I once knew a guy who really wanted to juggle. That's right - balls up in the air. That was his passion. But he kept hesitating because there's no money in juggling. What would his parents think? And he didn't like kids. He felt it was a lost cause and many would probably have agreed with him. But he didn't stop. He had passion. Now he has put together a program for corporations on how to deal with the many balls we juggle on a daily basis. He gets paid very well. He loves what he does. And guess how he spends the majority of his time at work? Juggling.
IT'S NOT ABOUT TALENT
Too many people ignore their flame because they think they're not good enough. Chances are strong that you are, and if you aren't, then you'll deal with it like a grownup and find another way to do what you love. It just takes some creative thinking. I've seen example after example of people who excelled at their business - not because they were the most talented - but because they were the most passionate.
SEE IT
Don't just say it. See your dream unfolding. There is tremendous power in visualizing.
SAY IT OUT LOUD
There's something about saying it out loud that makes it real, even if there's nobody to hear it.
DEVELOP A SUPPORT NETWORK
Tell people you trust. It makes you accountable. Keep in mind that there are many people who, knowingly or not, will try to sabotage your dream. Many people are secretly afraid or even jealous of your courage. They want it so desperately themselves and are so afraid to find it, that they make themselves feel better by diminishing yours. That's why it's so important to find that network of people who will support your dream, and hang on to them for dear life. They will get you through those many moments when the negative forces overwhelm.
EMBRACE THE REJECTION
Use what is constructive and learn to let the rest roll off of your back. Learn to get back up. True success doesn't lie in those moments when you finally reach the finish line. Success is in every one of those moments when you have the courage to get back up.
TAKE A BREATH AND JUMP
Just close your eyes, have faith in the unseen, and jump. You may not have anything to lose. You may have everything to lose. But you will never regret the jump.
I quit my job to follow my passion - professional storytelling a career path that offered no money, no ladder to climb, and no books telling me how to do it. But I was lucky because I had something more important than talent. I had passion something that can't be bought. But it can be FOUND. In every single one of us there burns that blue flame of passion. It's just buried deeper in some - underneath life's obligations, fear, insecurities, and negative forces. So how do we get to that inner flame?
FIND THOSE THINGS THAT MAKE YOUR HEART SING
Get away from the noise. Sit down and think. What brings you joy? What do you love to do more than anything? In what can you lose all sense of time and surrounding? Is it shopping? Is painting children? Is it food? Is it reading about Greek mythology? Don't think about what this would mean or what it should be. This is about you. And know that it probably won't be one thing. Passions are often a culmination of many desires.
DON'T LOOK AT THE WORLD AND ITS BOXES
So often I hear someone state their passion and immediately discard the thought because they see it in only one box. You make a mistake if you cut your dream off at the pass. I would dare to say that ANY passion can be turned into a lucrative career if you are willing to see outside the box that the world has created. I once knew a guy who really wanted to juggle. That's right - balls up in the air. That was his passion. But he kept hesitating because there's no money in juggling. What would his parents think? And he didn't like kids. He felt it was a lost cause and many would probably have agreed with him. But he didn't stop. He had passion. Now he has put together a program for corporations on how to deal with the many balls we juggle on a daily basis. He gets paid very well. He loves what he does. And guess how he spends the majority of his time at work? Juggling.
IT'S NOT ABOUT TALENT
Too many people ignore their flame because they think they're not good enough. Chances are strong that you are, and if you aren't, then you'll deal with it like a grownup and find another way to do what you love. It just takes some creative thinking. I've seen example after example of people who excelled at their business - not because they were the most talented - but because they were the most passionate.
SEE IT
Don't just say it. See your dream unfolding. There is tremendous power in visualizing.
SAY IT OUT LOUD
There's something about saying it out loud that makes it real, even if there's nobody to hear it.
DEVELOP A SUPPORT NETWORK
Tell people you trust. It makes you accountable. Keep in mind that there are many people who, knowingly or not, will try to sabotage your dream. Many people are secretly afraid or even jealous of your courage. They want it so desperately themselves and are so afraid to find it, that they make themselves feel better by diminishing yours. That's why it's so important to find that network of people who will support your dream, and hang on to them for dear life. They will get you through those many moments when the negative forces overwhelm.
EMBRACE THE REJECTION
Use what is constructive and learn to let the rest roll off of your back. Learn to get back up. True success doesn't lie in those moments when you finally reach the finish line. Success is in every one of those moments when you have the courage to get back up.
TAKE A BREATH AND JUMP
Just close your eyes, have faith in the unseen, and jump. You may not have anything to lose. You may have everything to lose. But you will never regret the jump.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
How to lose a friend in ten days or less...
How to lose a friend in ten days or less…
We have enough articles and cute little coffee table books that sing the praises of friendship. But what about that friend we are dying to get rid of? You know the one - don’t deny it – the one who at the very mention of her name your eye starts to twitch. The very sight of her car pulling into your driveway actually has you considering faking your own death. The one who bugs you so bad you can’t stand her children just by association. Help is on the way. I have come up with some surefire ways to get rid of unwanted friends.
Ask her if she’s gained weight. Look closely at her hips and her rear end as if you are trying to solve a mysterious math equation. Tell her it’s okay, that we all let ourselves go when we get to that age. And would she consider botox?
Ask her to host a scrapbook party at her house – every time you see her. Then tell her exactly how you want it done and offer to clean her house for her, with a look that says you remember the last time you were there and your kid tripped on one of her dust bunnies. The key here is to look at her like she’s a dog with three legs.
Call her every day and leave really long messages on her answering machine that always start with, “Oops, the machine just caught me off, let me finish up. I’ll be really quick.” Then leave a new phone number at the very end of the message and say it real fast and mumble it so she can’t get it and has to listen to the entire message again.
Pop up in her bushes on Thursday morning when she comes out to get the paper. Tell her you were just hanging out.
Send her spam emails at least three times a day, with videos and pictures attached, with messages telling her to light a candle and pass this on to twenty-five other people in the next twenty-four hours. Accuse her of being the devil’s spawn if she doesn’t answer. Attaching a virus always helps.
Tell her you want to sit down and talk about where she stands spiritually. This one is particularly effective as it will not only get rid of her, chances are good it will get rid of everyone she knows too.
Loan her money or keep her children as a trade-off deal. You’ll never see her again.
Fake your own death. This can be tricky to pull off, but it’s a permanent solution.
Show her your childbirth video and pause on the placenta while you go answer the phone.
And last, but not least, give her a second chance. Take the love-your-neighbor thing seriously. It’s easy to love the lovable. But it says even more about your character if you’re able to love the unlovable. And, for the record, there’s nothing wrong with loving her from far away.
PS If you’re reading this, you are the good kind of friend - just ignore my picture in the obituary section.
We have enough articles and cute little coffee table books that sing the praises of friendship. But what about that friend we are dying to get rid of? You know the one - don’t deny it – the one who at the very mention of her name your eye starts to twitch. The very sight of her car pulling into your driveway actually has you considering faking your own death. The one who bugs you so bad you can’t stand her children just by association. Help is on the way. I have come up with some surefire ways to get rid of unwanted friends.
Ask her if she’s gained weight. Look closely at her hips and her rear end as if you are trying to solve a mysterious math equation. Tell her it’s okay, that we all let ourselves go when we get to that age. And would she consider botox?
Ask her to host a scrapbook party at her house – every time you see her. Then tell her exactly how you want it done and offer to clean her house for her, with a look that says you remember the last time you were there and your kid tripped on one of her dust bunnies. The key here is to look at her like she’s a dog with three legs.
Call her every day and leave really long messages on her answering machine that always start with, “Oops, the machine just caught me off, let me finish up. I’ll be really quick.” Then leave a new phone number at the very end of the message and say it real fast and mumble it so she can’t get it and has to listen to the entire message again.
Pop up in her bushes on Thursday morning when she comes out to get the paper. Tell her you were just hanging out.
Send her spam emails at least three times a day, with videos and pictures attached, with messages telling her to light a candle and pass this on to twenty-five other people in the next twenty-four hours. Accuse her of being the devil’s spawn if she doesn’t answer. Attaching a virus always helps.
Tell her you want to sit down and talk about where she stands spiritually. This one is particularly effective as it will not only get rid of her, chances are good it will get rid of everyone she knows too.
Loan her money or keep her children as a trade-off deal. You’ll never see her again.
Fake your own death. This can be tricky to pull off, but it’s a permanent solution.
Show her your childbirth video and pause on the placenta while you go answer the phone.
And last, but not least, give her a second chance. Take the love-your-neighbor thing seriously. It’s easy to love the lovable. But it says even more about your character if you’re able to love the unlovable. And, for the record, there’s nothing wrong with loving her from far away.
PS If you’re reading this, you are the good kind of friend - just ignore my picture in the obituary section.
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