By Kelly Swanson
My grandmother knew the true art of biscuit making. How I used to love watching her work in the early hours of winter in that tiny kitchen with the checkered curtains. I remember the way the sunlight used to stream down on the lines in her weathered face. The way her gnarled fingers would knead the dough with the tenderness and strength that had come from years of faith and hardship. The smile on her face as she took her time sifting the flour, humming about Jesus and bringing in the sheaves. The tears that fell into the flour when Grandpa Jimmy died. The fierceness with which she pounded the dough when they told her that she was too old to drive. The way her body moved with the rolling pin as if it were a long time dance partner. Each step precisely coordinated. Each ingredient measured with an exactness and precision as natural to her as breathing. A process that changed in tune with the world around her and yet stayed as familiar as the look on her face when my daddy walked into the room. Years of tweaking and fine tuning created biscuits that were as a personal to her as the scent that clung to her fingers throughout the day. I used to try to make biscuits like hers but I could never come close. I was never willing to put the sweat and the tears into them that my grandmother did. Those biscuits were her masterpiece just as your speech is your masterpiece. If you want your speech to stand out in the sea of familiarity, you have to be able to put the sweat and tears into the process. For it is only when we push ourselves that we find the buried treasure underneath.
Where the spirit does not work with the hand there is no art. Leonardo Da Vinci
I know that to paint the sea really well, you need to look at it every hour of every day in the same place so that you can understand its way in that particular spot and that is why I am working on the same motifs over and over again, four or six times even. Claude Monet
If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn't seem so wonderful at all. Michelangelo
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
A Quiet House is an Empty House
I am in that stage of parenting that they never warned me about. Okay, so maybe they did warn me, I just didn’t listen. That stage they so laughingly refer to as the terrible two’s only my child is three and not so terrible. But still. It’s that stage where you engage in countless conversations from the second you wake up until the second you close your eyes at night and if you want to be truthful, even continues while you sleep. What kind of conversations you of the childless persuasion ask? Every kind of conversation from do you want apple juice or grape juice, the pink cup or the orange cup, the plate with the bear or the plate with the train, be still so I can zip your pants, don’t whine, don’t you dare hit mommy, that sign says stop, Mommy is a girl and Daddy is a boy, Nana can’t come pick you up today, no tomorrow we go to the zoo, and I’ve told you that we don’t pick our nose in public. When you’re a parent, there is nothing off limits and it’s guaranteed that your child will outlast you every time unless you sedate him and even then there’s no guarantee.
I remember when our house was a place of solace, with lit candles and Enya crooning softly from a radio not covered with Sponge Bob stickers. Not anymore. Now the house actually shakes with the endless marching in his favorite cowboy boots. He’s jumping on beds and throwing things into the sink while he “helps” me clean the kitchen. He shrieks of joy every time Daddy or the UPS man comes – we won’t reveal who gets the louder shrieks. He’s singing Jesus Loves Me in the bathtub and the cartoons are blaring as we bribe him to go potty. Our house is never quiet even when my child is not in it for he undoubtedly leaves random toys that he has instructed to go off at a moment’s notice from behind a couch or a chair when I’m alone in the shower. The noise of my child carries into the car, the grocery store, the auto shop, the doctor’s office. I can’t remember the last time I experienced complete and total silence. Until today.
Today while my child was at preschool I decided not to run errands. I decided not to have my hair cut or my nails done. Instead I went to my mother’s house which was the closest place I could find to the school to avoid wasting one second of beloved “me” time driving. I chose to go to my mother’s empty house and write. Or at least that’s what I told people. I was really going to just sit and be. To drink in the delicious taste of silence. And that’s what I did.
At first it was nice. Really nice. And I drank enough of it to last me at least until he’s four. It was quiet. Really quiet. I tried to hear something and couldn’t. No whir of a distant lawn mower. No air conditioner sputtering. No ice dropping in the freezer. Just a faint ticking clock which I say doesn’t count and was probably just something loose rattling inside my head.
After a while though it became too quiet. After a while, I really started to feel what a house sounds like when the children are gone and the toys are shipped off. When the fingerprints are no longer on the door handle and the nose prints have been wiped off the glass. No tiny shoes and socks strewn in the hall. No mysterious items found in toilets and drains. Everything in its place. No more conversations. No sign that children were ever here. And you know what? It made me sad. Because it gave me a taste of what life will be like one day when my son has moved away. It reminded me that every day with my shrieking three-year-old is a blessing and that one day I will look up and have my quiet house and will probably give anything for one of these days back again.
I remember when our house was a place of solace, with lit candles and Enya crooning softly from a radio not covered with Sponge Bob stickers. Not anymore. Now the house actually shakes with the endless marching in his favorite cowboy boots. He’s jumping on beds and throwing things into the sink while he “helps” me clean the kitchen. He shrieks of joy every time Daddy or the UPS man comes – we won’t reveal who gets the louder shrieks. He’s singing Jesus Loves Me in the bathtub and the cartoons are blaring as we bribe him to go potty. Our house is never quiet even when my child is not in it for he undoubtedly leaves random toys that he has instructed to go off at a moment’s notice from behind a couch or a chair when I’m alone in the shower. The noise of my child carries into the car, the grocery store, the auto shop, the doctor’s office. I can’t remember the last time I experienced complete and total silence. Until today.
Today while my child was at preschool I decided not to run errands. I decided not to have my hair cut or my nails done. Instead I went to my mother’s house which was the closest place I could find to the school to avoid wasting one second of beloved “me” time driving. I chose to go to my mother’s empty house and write. Or at least that’s what I told people. I was really going to just sit and be. To drink in the delicious taste of silence. And that’s what I did.
At first it was nice. Really nice. And I drank enough of it to last me at least until he’s four. It was quiet. Really quiet. I tried to hear something and couldn’t. No whir of a distant lawn mower. No air conditioner sputtering. No ice dropping in the freezer. Just a faint ticking clock which I say doesn’t count and was probably just something loose rattling inside my head.
After a while though it became too quiet. After a while, I really started to feel what a house sounds like when the children are gone and the toys are shipped off. When the fingerprints are no longer on the door handle and the nose prints have been wiped off the glass. No tiny shoes and socks strewn in the hall. No mysterious items found in toilets and drains. Everything in its place. No more conversations. No sign that children were ever here. And you know what? It made me sad. Because it gave me a taste of what life will be like one day when my son has moved away. It reminded me that every day with my shrieking three-year-old is a blessing and that one day I will look up and have my quiet house and will probably give anything for one of these days back again.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
I Miss My Dog....Tribute to Otis
I write this blog with a heavy heart because yesterday I had to say goodbye to my dog, Otis, and I am filled with a pain so overbearing that I can't even let myself acknowledge what has happened for fear that I will have a complete melt down. So, like I do in all hard times, I redirected my energies. Twenty-seven loads of laundry, thirteen casseroles, and two re-grouted bath tubs later, I am faced with nowhere else to turn but here. To this blog. To you. To tell you nothing other than that I miss my dog.
I know, I know. He lived a good life. He had a good run. We were the best parents a dog could have. We all lost our pets at one point or another. Circle of life - blah, blah, blah. Tell me that when I wait for him to bark at the door. When I walk into a room expecting him to be waiting with wagging tail. To hear him snore at the edge of my bed. To find his wet tongue trails on the side of the car window. To know that no matter how mean I was or how often I ignored him or yelled at him for getting under my feet - he loved me unconditionally. His only joy was to be near me. He was my Otis. For eight years, he has watched over me. And now he's gone.
And it's so weird how the world still goes on at its fast pace. That everybody keeps walking and keeps speeding by when all I want to do is shout, "Stop! Everybody stop! My dog died today." So I tell myself to forget it. To get on with life. But something feels wrong with that. That I should keep walking as if I never had a dog at all. As if Otis never existed.
And so I take this quiet moment to tell you. Just so I can say it and know that somebody is listening. My dog died. His name was Otis. He was a good dog - the best you can have. I'm going to miss him.
I know, I know. He lived a good life. He had a good run. We were the best parents a dog could have. We all lost our pets at one point or another. Circle of life - blah, blah, blah. Tell me that when I wait for him to bark at the door. When I walk into a room expecting him to be waiting with wagging tail. To hear him snore at the edge of my bed. To find his wet tongue trails on the side of the car window. To know that no matter how mean I was or how often I ignored him or yelled at him for getting under my feet - he loved me unconditionally. His only joy was to be near me. He was my Otis. For eight years, he has watched over me. And now he's gone.
And it's so weird how the world still goes on at its fast pace. That everybody keeps walking and keeps speeding by when all I want to do is shout, "Stop! Everybody stop! My dog died today." So I tell myself to forget it. To get on with life. But something feels wrong with that. That I should keep walking as if I never had a dog at all. As if Otis never existed.
And so I take this quiet moment to tell you. Just so I can say it and know that somebody is listening. My dog died. His name was Otis. He was a good dog - the best you can have. I'm going to miss him.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
May I Have This Dance...Understanding the Relationship between Performer and Audience
May I Have This Dance?
Understanding the Relationship between Performer and Audience
By Kelly Swanson
June 2, 2007
Like most anything in life, timing is everything
It is true in love and business and any career involving you and an audience. No matter what brings you to the stage, timing can make you or break you. Unfortunately, timing can not be learned, as it falls into that mysterious realm beyond your control – either you have it or you don’t. I do believe, however, that timing can be improved – not just through a process or a series of steps, but through a state of mind. Aside from learning some basic tricks (like slowing down, counting, not stepping on your laughs, etc.) you can also learn to see your performance in new ways. Today, we are going to view it as a dance – a dance between you, the performer, and your partner, the audience.
You’re the lead
As a performer, you have spent years crafting your art – learning the steps to your dance. You are the lead. If your performance art is one like dancing or acting, your audience is on the outside looking in and there is no partnership. In this case I am referring to other art forms - like comedy, storytelling, improv, magic, and music, to name a few – where you are cultivating a relationship with your audience. You lead the dance, but you are taking the audience along on the journey. So how does an audience compare to a dancing partner?
No two dance partners are the same
Every audience you have will be different no matter what the variables. Even the same group of people will have a different mood at the end of the show as they did before it started. An audience is a unique being composed of different people with different assumptions and experiences and backgrounds combined with their shared experiences and setting. There is a definite mood to each audience. Quite often performers will warn each other of the temperament of the audience. I’ve heard performers warn me: “They’re in a bad mood today. They’ve been touring all day, the boats were late getting back, some missed dinner, and they want to go to bed.” Other times I will hear: “This is a good crowd. Little tipsy. Ready to laugh.” Or, “The last three performers were horrible they’re irritated and most of them want to leave.” Your dance partners change. Each one has its own rhythm, moods, likes and dislikes. An audience can collectively change moods based on what happens in the performance. Comedy clubs are a good example, especially in how the comedian handles a heckler. The audience will be on the side of the comedian until the comedian delivers a blow they consider unfair in which case the audience as a whole will turn on the comedian. It’s not something planned, it just happens.
You must be tuned in to your partner
If every audience is different, then you must be flexible enough to adapt to your audience. Sometimes you get information about your audience in advance. But most of what you will learn will happen while you are on the stage. As a performer you not only have the responsibility of engaging your audience, you must also read them – their expressions, their laughter, their body language, and even those subtle nuances that you just feel as a seasoned performer. There is no way that you can read your audience if you are too busy worrying about getting your lines right or forcing material on a group that obviously isn’t enjoying the journey. You must stay in the moment. You must be able to pick up on the attitude of the audience. If they are laughing, then your jokes are working. If they are looking at you with expressions of confusion, you aren’t hitting the mark. If they are sleeping or throwing tomatoes, you’d better resort to your backup plan. Be flexible enough to change depending on your partner. Remember that you’re not up there on stage to deliver every word of your show if it kills them. You’re up there to entertain the audience – to give them an enjoyable experience. That is your obligation, not theirs. You’re not dancing for them, you are dancing with them.
Sometimes your partner gets distracted and you have to bring them back in
It happens. A waiter drops a tray. A door slams. A cell phone goes off. You can’t eliminate distractions in your show. Don’t be afraid of them and don’t ignore them. Embrace the distractions. Address them. Let your partner know that you have it under control and everything is going to be okay. And then utilize whatever tricks you have to demand their attention again. For example, if you are coming up on a critical part of your story when a distraction occurs, then delay it until you have control again.
If you don’t learn the steps your partner will know it
You owe it to your audience to perfect your performance. The stage is not the place to work out the kinks. It is not the place to wing it. You owe each audience your best whether they’re paying you the big bucks or giving you chicken and iced tea. The best advice I have for marketing yourself as an artist is to be darned good at what you do. There is no room for mediocrity.
Sometimes it’s just the wrong partner – find another one - you’re not a good fit
You will never find an audience where one hundred percent of the people like what you do. Accept it. Aim for 80 percent. Understand that not every audience is right for you, and it takes time to figure out where you belong. Sometimes the process can be pretty painful. But there is room for everybody. So keep working and keep looking. Don’t force yourself where you don’t belong. And don’t assume that anybody in their right mind should be totally captivated by you.
Enjoy the dance
Remember why you do what you – because you love the dance. Yes, your heart may be racing. You may have just run from the worst performance of your life. Maybe the entire front row was asleep. So you were fighting a cold and a case of athlete’s foot. We all have days like that – when our passion feels more like work than fun. That’s part of it. That’s normal. The important thing is to find the balance. To stay in touch with the reason that you are doing this. To hang on to the part of you that is passionate. Don’t get so swept up in what you think you’re supposed to do that you forget what you want to do, or you’ll find that somewhere along the way you stopped enjoying the dance.
Understanding the Relationship between Performer and Audience
By Kelly Swanson
June 2, 2007
Like most anything in life, timing is everything
It is true in love and business and any career involving you and an audience. No matter what brings you to the stage, timing can make you or break you. Unfortunately, timing can not be learned, as it falls into that mysterious realm beyond your control – either you have it or you don’t. I do believe, however, that timing can be improved – not just through a process or a series of steps, but through a state of mind. Aside from learning some basic tricks (like slowing down, counting, not stepping on your laughs, etc.) you can also learn to see your performance in new ways. Today, we are going to view it as a dance – a dance between you, the performer, and your partner, the audience.
You’re the lead
As a performer, you have spent years crafting your art – learning the steps to your dance. You are the lead. If your performance art is one like dancing or acting, your audience is on the outside looking in and there is no partnership. In this case I am referring to other art forms - like comedy, storytelling, improv, magic, and music, to name a few – where you are cultivating a relationship with your audience. You lead the dance, but you are taking the audience along on the journey. So how does an audience compare to a dancing partner?
No two dance partners are the same
Every audience you have will be different no matter what the variables. Even the same group of people will have a different mood at the end of the show as they did before it started. An audience is a unique being composed of different people with different assumptions and experiences and backgrounds combined with their shared experiences and setting. There is a definite mood to each audience. Quite often performers will warn each other of the temperament of the audience. I’ve heard performers warn me: “They’re in a bad mood today. They’ve been touring all day, the boats were late getting back, some missed dinner, and they want to go to bed.” Other times I will hear: “This is a good crowd. Little tipsy. Ready to laugh.” Or, “The last three performers were horrible they’re irritated and most of them want to leave.” Your dance partners change. Each one has its own rhythm, moods, likes and dislikes. An audience can collectively change moods based on what happens in the performance. Comedy clubs are a good example, especially in how the comedian handles a heckler. The audience will be on the side of the comedian until the comedian delivers a blow they consider unfair in which case the audience as a whole will turn on the comedian. It’s not something planned, it just happens.
You must be tuned in to your partner
If every audience is different, then you must be flexible enough to adapt to your audience. Sometimes you get information about your audience in advance. But most of what you will learn will happen while you are on the stage. As a performer you not only have the responsibility of engaging your audience, you must also read them – their expressions, their laughter, their body language, and even those subtle nuances that you just feel as a seasoned performer. There is no way that you can read your audience if you are too busy worrying about getting your lines right or forcing material on a group that obviously isn’t enjoying the journey. You must stay in the moment. You must be able to pick up on the attitude of the audience. If they are laughing, then your jokes are working. If they are looking at you with expressions of confusion, you aren’t hitting the mark. If they are sleeping or throwing tomatoes, you’d better resort to your backup plan. Be flexible enough to change depending on your partner. Remember that you’re not up there on stage to deliver every word of your show if it kills them. You’re up there to entertain the audience – to give them an enjoyable experience. That is your obligation, not theirs. You’re not dancing for them, you are dancing with them.
Sometimes your partner gets distracted and you have to bring them back in
It happens. A waiter drops a tray. A door slams. A cell phone goes off. You can’t eliminate distractions in your show. Don’t be afraid of them and don’t ignore them. Embrace the distractions. Address them. Let your partner know that you have it under control and everything is going to be okay. And then utilize whatever tricks you have to demand their attention again. For example, if you are coming up on a critical part of your story when a distraction occurs, then delay it until you have control again.
If you don’t learn the steps your partner will know it
You owe it to your audience to perfect your performance. The stage is not the place to work out the kinks. It is not the place to wing it. You owe each audience your best whether they’re paying you the big bucks or giving you chicken and iced tea. The best advice I have for marketing yourself as an artist is to be darned good at what you do. There is no room for mediocrity.
Sometimes it’s just the wrong partner – find another one - you’re not a good fit
You will never find an audience where one hundred percent of the people like what you do. Accept it. Aim for 80 percent. Understand that not every audience is right for you, and it takes time to figure out where you belong. Sometimes the process can be pretty painful. But there is room for everybody. So keep working and keep looking. Don’t force yourself where you don’t belong. And don’t assume that anybody in their right mind should be totally captivated by you.
Enjoy the dance
Remember why you do what you – because you love the dance. Yes, your heart may be racing. You may have just run from the worst performance of your life. Maybe the entire front row was asleep. So you were fighting a cold and a case of athlete’s foot. We all have days like that – when our passion feels more like work than fun. That’s part of it. That’s normal. The important thing is to find the balance. To stay in touch with the reason that you are doing this. To hang on to the part of you that is passionate. Don’t get so swept up in what you think you’re supposed to do that you forget what you want to do, or you’ll find that somewhere along the way you stopped enjoying the dance.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Happily Ever Laughter
Ah, marriage. So many have done it, written about it, sung about it, longed to have it, made movies about it, bought dresses for it, went broke because of it, and cried in their beers over it. And still when it’s our turn, it’s both magical and mysterious. We’re filled with hope and awe and images of ourselves sitting on a front porch holding hands into the twilight of our lives. And one day, somewhere down the line, the honeymoon ends and real life sets in and you start to get a good idea of what forever is going to feel like. That part of the fairy tale they never show you – when the handsome prince grows a spare tire, the fairy princess develops anger issues, and the once-upon-a-time you dreamed about is littered with dirty laundry, unpaid bills, and images of killing him in his sleep.
Today I speak to you as one who has settled into the real life stage of marriage. As one who can help give you some advice to prepare you for the hills and valleys that lay ahead. You see, I married Mr. Right. I just didn’t realize his first name was Always. My friend found her Mr. Right too, but his first name is Can’t-Do-Anything. Even finding your Mister Right doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. So today I share with you some words of wisdom to help you on the road to a happy marriage. Tips to a happy marriage.
Today I speak to you as one who has settled into the real life stage of marriage. As one who can help give you some advice to prepare you for the hills and valleys that lay ahead. You see, I married Mr. Right. I just didn’t realize his first name was Always. My friend found her Mr. Right too, but his first name is Can’t-Do-Anything. Even finding your Mister Right doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. So today I share with you some words of wisdom to help you on the road to a happy marriage. Tips to a happy marriage.
Don’t do it
Okay, well will just skip over that one why don’t we?
Embrace Your Differences
Understand that you are different people. And it’s okay. My husband is the smart one. He lays awake at night pondering the mysteries of the universe. I lay awake wondering what happens to their tattoos when big people lose weight, or how veterinarians get their dogs to pee in a cup.
Do things to spice up your marriage
The other day my husband suggested we do something new in the bedroom. I suggested he pick up his socks. It’s good to make sure you always have a date night. We do. I have Tuesday, he has Thursday.
Take the good with the bad.
90% of the time you’ll look at him and say I want to spend the rest of my life with you. The other ten percent you’re looking for ways to fake your death. You’ll go from thinking it is the cutest thing how he drools when he sleeps to……Good grief if I hear him suck in his breath when he eats a sandwich one more time I’m going to tear my eyes out!
Find new levels of intimacy
One day you’ll go from standing in the doorway wearing that smoking hot little black dress to…….Hey honey! Come here!! You have got to see what is growing in between my toes! Fooling around may start as an all night affair. Now, it’s “Hurry up! We’ve got five minutes before Law and Order starts! You go from, “Honey, could you rub lotion on my shoulders” to “Hey babe! Can you come pluck this hair for me? I think it’s infected!”And by the way, don’t take sex advice from old people. To them, safe sex is not breaking a hip.
Don’t compare yourself to others
Don’t be intimidated by those sappy couples who are all gushy and sweet, like my friend who got her husband’s handprints put in cement and hung up on her wall so she could “always know what it feels like to have his hand in mine.” (Gagging motion) Shoot. I’ve got that without paying anything. Come over to my house and you can check out his butt print on the recliner.
Don’t be intimidated by those sappy couples who are all gushy and sweet, like my friend who got her husband’s handprints put in cement and hung up on her wall so she could “always know what it feels like to have his hand in mine.” (Gagging motion) Shoot. I’ve got that without paying anything. Come over to my house and you can check out his butt print on the recliner.
Keep the lines of communication open
For the record husbands, when she asks what’s on TV, don’t ever say dust. Appreciate the fact that now she’ll hang on every word you say. Ten years from now the only time she’ll listen to every word you say is when you’re talking in your sleep. I asked my husband why we haven’t spoken all day. He said he didn’t want to interrupt me. I told my husband he needs to get in touch with his feminine side. So he started listening, communicating, and asking if his butt looks big in these pants.
And there you have it. My tips to a happy marriage. Nurture them. Use them wisely. Refer to them often. And if I’m still married ten years from now. I’ll write another one.
Best wishes!
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Another Crazy Mommy Moment
It was my first night out as a new mommy – as in no kids. My husband was taking me out to dinner to celebrate our first six months of successful parenting – or maybe the fact that the cable was out and he knew he couldn't watch the game. I didn't care. I was going out. Nothing was going to ruin this night for me.
I let Junior watch six hours of cartoons while I got ready. I took a bubble bath. I shaved. I bought a cute little black dress that no longer fell into the "little" category, but I didn't care. I even purchased a sexy little thong which rubbed a blister before I was even through applying my mascara. But I left it on. Nothing was going to ruin this night!
I even decided to tackle the overwhelming task of doing something to my breastfed boobs that now hung to my knees and had been attracting National Geographic reporters from all over the country. I bought these cool pasty things you stick in your bra that looked something like a raw chicken breast, but did in fact make my chest look perky and take attention off my rear end which had grown to the point that it now occupied another zip code and was at the moment making some pretty interesting bottom music due to the late afternoon snack of raw broccoli combined with the thong. It was as if I had invented a new rubber band instrument. I'm thinking of getting a patent.
I put on my highest heels. Took them off. Put them back on, and reminded myself that beauty is pain and waited for my husband to pick me up. I was so happy. I kissed Junior, kissed the babysitter, and ran out the door to meet my husband. Okay, walked fast. The heels were really high.
He didn't notice my heels. He didn't notice the dress. He didn't notice that I was now limping because I had a blister in between my butt cheeks that was starting to get infected. He was too busy trying to find a parking spot up front at Burger Bart's Buffet where all the food is displayed around the perimeter of the restaurant and who needs a waiter when you can get up and get it yourself?
I'm standing there trying to decide between macaroni and cheese or assisted suicide, crammed in between my husband who is scouting out the nearest TV and a sweet older gentleman who seemed to be staring a little too intently at my cleavage. Looking back, I understand why. Because the miraculous perky pseudo-breast I had tucked inside my dress was coming dislodged. Of course, I didn't know this, which is probably why it generated such a rapt audience at the salad bar. Especially when I sneezed and the breast popped out of my dress and landed in the cottage cheese.
I was mortified. Do I quickly pick it up and stuff it back in? Do I put it on my plate beside the cherry tomatoes? Do I leave it there and act like I had no idea I had lost a booby on the salad bar? Sometimes fate has a way of working things out. This wasn't one of those times.
I felt another sneeze coming on – apparently allergic to the new body splash I bought for this special occasion – and the magnitude of the sneeze caused something to snap. The thong. Apparently it simply couldn't hold up under the pressure. Personally, I don't blame it.
I'm not really sure if there's a scientific explanation for it, or if fate just couldn't pass this opportunity up, but the thong snapped, broke, and went flying through the air whereupon it slapped the kind old gentleman across the face and sort of hung there like a birthday party streamer. And that was the last sight I saw as I went running from the restaurant. Okay, walking fast - those heels were really high. My husband never noticed a thing.
I've never been back to Bart's Burger Buffet where they had to have the salad bar and the old man fumigated. The high heels are collecting dust in the top of my closet and I haven't worn a thong since because my rear end still has nightmares of the whole sordid experience. I have an anniversary coming up. Hubby wants to take me out to dinner. I'm thinking I'll go look for something sexy.
I let Junior watch six hours of cartoons while I got ready. I took a bubble bath. I shaved. I bought a cute little black dress that no longer fell into the "little" category, but I didn't care. I even purchased a sexy little thong which rubbed a blister before I was even through applying my mascara. But I left it on. Nothing was going to ruin this night!
I even decided to tackle the overwhelming task of doing something to my breastfed boobs that now hung to my knees and had been attracting National Geographic reporters from all over the country. I bought these cool pasty things you stick in your bra that looked something like a raw chicken breast, but did in fact make my chest look perky and take attention off my rear end which had grown to the point that it now occupied another zip code and was at the moment making some pretty interesting bottom music due to the late afternoon snack of raw broccoli combined with the thong. It was as if I had invented a new rubber band instrument. I'm thinking of getting a patent.
I put on my highest heels. Took them off. Put them back on, and reminded myself that beauty is pain and waited for my husband to pick me up. I was so happy. I kissed Junior, kissed the babysitter, and ran out the door to meet my husband. Okay, walked fast. The heels were really high.
He didn't notice my heels. He didn't notice the dress. He didn't notice that I was now limping because I had a blister in between my butt cheeks that was starting to get infected. He was too busy trying to find a parking spot up front at Burger Bart's Buffet where all the food is displayed around the perimeter of the restaurant and who needs a waiter when you can get up and get it yourself?
I'm standing there trying to decide between macaroni and cheese or assisted suicide, crammed in between my husband who is scouting out the nearest TV and a sweet older gentleman who seemed to be staring a little too intently at my cleavage. Looking back, I understand why. Because the miraculous perky pseudo-breast I had tucked inside my dress was coming dislodged. Of course, I didn't know this, which is probably why it generated such a rapt audience at the salad bar. Especially when I sneezed and the breast popped out of my dress and landed in the cottage cheese.
I was mortified. Do I quickly pick it up and stuff it back in? Do I put it on my plate beside the cherry tomatoes? Do I leave it there and act like I had no idea I had lost a booby on the salad bar? Sometimes fate has a way of working things out. This wasn't one of those times.
I felt another sneeze coming on – apparently allergic to the new body splash I bought for this special occasion – and the magnitude of the sneeze caused something to snap. The thong. Apparently it simply couldn't hold up under the pressure. Personally, I don't blame it.
I'm not really sure if there's a scientific explanation for it, or if fate just couldn't pass this opportunity up, but the thong snapped, broke, and went flying through the air whereupon it slapped the kind old gentleman across the face and sort of hung there like a birthday party streamer. And that was the last sight I saw as I went running from the restaurant. Okay, walking fast - those heels were really high. My husband never noticed a thing.
I've never been back to Bart's Burger Buffet where they had to have the salad bar and the old man fumigated. The high heels are collecting dust in the top of my closet and I haven't worn a thong since because my rear end still has nightmares of the whole sordid experience. I have an anniversary coming up. Hubby wants to take me out to dinner. I'm thinking I'll go look for something sexy.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Please, I'll do anything....how I lost my house to a two-year-old
Trailer:
When the stakes are high, we forget everything the books say about good parenting.
I hate those other mothers. The ones who always do the right thing – who live and quote from the good book of mothering – who turn their noses down at the rest of us as if to say You know better than to put cheese on his vegetables. You know better than to let him sleep in a wet diaper. You know better than to breastfeed at the salad bar.
When I was a kid there was no need for bribery and somewhere there are seventy-eight splintered wooden spoons that can attest to that. When I became pregnant I swore I would never put up with an unruly child. I also swore I wouldn’t gain one unnecessary pound and somewhere there are six thousand empty Twinkie wrappers that are calling me a liar.
I resorted to bribery almost as quickly as I went from the NO TV EVER! Rule to the no TV between 4 and 5pm because that’s when my shows are on Rule. Sort of like my chocolate addiction, it was just a little bit at first. Please sit with Great Aunt Edna and I will let you play outside. Please wear this cotton jumpsuit with the matching bonnet and I will buy you a water gun. Please don’t tell Daddy I accidentally left you out front of the post office because I got distracted by that cute sweater in the store window.
At the time of this story I had sworn never to bribe my child again (at least not in public.) I was holding two-year-old Junior in the middle of my cousin Fern’s wedding in little white picket church about a mile and a hair past nowhere. It was two-hundred degrees and we were crammed into pews that were made back when people were half the size they are now. I was saying a silent thank-you to the stained-glass Jesus for getting us through the service without incident. We only had five minutes left.
We had made it through the bride’s dance down the aisle singing Shania Twain’s From this Moment into her flower encased microphone which Junior drooled over, like he does over anything he can’t have – like the remote control, the car keys, or Uncle Enid’s special occasion dentures. I sweetly told him “no, no” and it worked! I’m thinking of writing a book on parenting.
We made it through the angry wedding coordinator whose husband just left her for a Patty Duke impersonator, muttering obscenities while she straightened bow ties and adjusted flowers. We made it through forty-seven variations of Annie’s Song on the guitar by my cousin Chester, and Mr. Bentley’s hairpiece that had shifted mid-ceremony and dangled beside Junior like a scalped squirrel.
Four more minutes….And he notices the hat - Bertice Merriweather’s hat that weighed more than she did - that bobbed up and down to the rhythm of her snoring head. The hat covered with doves and tiny cherubs – one of which seemed to be whispering touch me. And suddenly Junior gets that look. I’ve seen that look. I saw that look before he flushed my bathrobe down the toilet. I saw that look before he decided to play doctor with my eye lash curler and the cat. You know the look. It’s the look that tells you the stakes have just been raised. That says you’d better pull out your trump card because he’s ready to strike. That look that says he’s about thirty seconds away from a meltdown. Every fiber of my being shouted, BRIBE HIM. FAST! So I started whispering bribes in his ear like an auctioneer.
He didn’t want his pacifier. He didn’t want his juice. He didn’t want my wedding set or my gold-plated watch. He didn’t want the sucker covered in hair from the bottom of my purse or the half-empty airplane bottle of tequila. He wanted that hat. He was holding out for the good stuff. His lip started to quiver. I promised him a pony. I promised him he could sleep in our bed until he was fifteen. I promised I would never show his future girlfriends the picture of him naked in the tub. My palms were starting to sweat and I was getting dizzy. My kid was about to ruin this wedding as only my kid could. I swear the stained-glass Jesus was smiling.
I knew this was going to happen right when we sat down. I knew he would want to touch that hat. I had tried to get Bertice Merriweather to move up a row – just one row and then Junior wouldn’t be tempted. But Bertice wouldn’t move – couldn’t move – because her son had told her he if she stayed in her seat and didn’t move, he’d drive her to Garnet to get her corns shaved. Bribed her, he did! Of all the nerve.
Her son needed her to stay there because his girlfriend said she wouldn’t come to the wedding unless his mother obeyed the restraining order. And the girlfriend wasn’t going to come but the bride said if she’d stand in as a bridesmaid for her sick cousin Lolita and wear the lime green chiffon dress she would host a candle party at her house. And the bride really needed her to stand in because her mother had said the missing bridesmaid would make a gap in all the photos and if she filled that gap with somebody else she would promise not to drink too much at the reception and do her impression of Joan Rivers in a windstorm – though it was funny. Turns out the web of bribery was thicker than the kudzu surrounding that church.
I was running out of tricks. I pulled out my last card. I wasn’t thinking. He had me up against the wall. I offered him the house. Yes, I promised him the house. And he stopped. Turned around. Looked at me. And smiled. I didn’t hear a peep for the rest of the ceremony. My son had his price. He could be bought. I’m not sure he’ll ever cash in his chips. But I have a feeling he will hold it over me for the rest of my life. It was not my proudest moment I’ll admit. So much for winning parent of the year. But like anything else in life I remind myself that parents aren’t perfect. We’re just trying to make it through one day at a time doing the best we know how. But we mean well, and that’s what counts. Thanks for letting me share one of my moments of weakness. And, please, don’t tell the other mothers.
When I was a kid there was no need for bribery and somewhere there are seventy-eight splintered wooden spoons that can attest to that. When I became pregnant I swore I would never put up with an unruly child. I also swore I wouldn’t gain one unnecessary pound and somewhere there are six thousand empty Twinkie wrappers that are calling me a liar.
I resorted to bribery almost as quickly as I went from the NO TV EVER! Rule to the no TV between 4 and 5pm because that’s when my shows are on Rule. Sort of like my chocolate addiction, it was just a little bit at first. Please sit with Great Aunt Edna and I will let you play outside. Please wear this cotton jumpsuit with the matching bonnet and I will buy you a water gun. Please don’t tell Daddy I accidentally left you out front of the post office because I got distracted by that cute sweater in the store window.
At the time of this story I had sworn never to bribe my child again (at least not in public.) I was holding two-year-old Junior in the middle of my cousin Fern’s wedding in little white picket church about a mile and a hair past nowhere. It was two-hundred degrees and we were crammed into pews that were made back when people were half the size they are now. I was saying a silent thank-you to the stained-glass Jesus for getting us through the service without incident. We only had five minutes left.
We had made it through the bride’s dance down the aisle singing Shania Twain’s From this Moment into her flower encased microphone which Junior drooled over, like he does over anything he can’t have – like the remote control, the car keys, or Uncle Enid’s special occasion dentures. I sweetly told him “no, no” and it worked! I’m thinking of writing a book on parenting.
We made it through the angry wedding coordinator whose husband just left her for a Patty Duke impersonator, muttering obscenities while she straightened bow ties and adjusted flowers. We made it through forty-seven variations of Annie’s Song on the guitar by my cousin Chester, and Mr. Bentley’s hairpiece that had shifted mid-ceremony and dangled beside Junior like a scalped squirrel.
Four more minutes….And he notices the hat - Bertice Merriweather’s hat that weighed more than she did - that bobbed up and down to the rhythm of her snoring head. The hat covered with doves and tiny cherubs – one of which seemed to be whispering touch me. And suddenly Junior gets that look. I’ve seen that look. I saw that look before he flushed my bathrobe down the toilet. I saw that look before he decided to play doctor with my eye lash curler and the cat. You know the look. It’s the look that tells you the stakes have just been raised. That says you’d better pull out your trump card because he’s ready to strike. That look that says he’s about thirty seconds away from a meltdown. Every fiber of my being shouted, BRIBE HIM. FAST! So I started whispering bribes in his ear like an auctioneer.
He didn’t want his pacifier. He didn’t want his juice. He didn’t want my wedding set or my gold-plated watch. He didn’t want the sucker covered in hair from the bottom of my purse or the half-empty airplane bottle of tequila. He wanted that hat. He was holding out for the good stuff. His lip started to quiver. I promised him a pony. I promised him he could sleep in our bed until he was fifteen. I promised I would never show his future girlfriends the picture of him naked in the tub. My palms were starting to sweat and I was getting dizzy. My kid was about to ruin this wedding as only my kid could. I swear the stained-glass Jesus was smiling.
I knew this was going to happen right when we sat down. I knew he would want to touch that hat. I had tried to get Bertice Merriweather to move up a row – just one row and then Junior wouldn’t be tempted. But Bertice wouldn’t move – couldn’t move – because her son had told her he if she stayed in her seat and didn’t move, he’d drive her to Garnet to get her corns shaved. Bribed her, he did! Of all the nerve.
Her son needed her to stay there because his girlfriend said she wouldn’t come to the wedding unless his mother obeyed the restraining order. And the girlfriend wasn’t going to come but the bride said if she’d stand in as a bridesmaid for her sick cousin Lolita and wear the lime green chiffon dress she would host a candle party at her house. And the bride really needed her to stand in because her mother had said the missing bridesmaid would make a gap in all the photos and if she filled that gap with somebody else she would promise not to drink too much at the reception and do her impression of Joan Rivers in a windstorm – though it was funny. Turns out the web of bribery was thicker than the kudzu surrounding that church.
I was running out of tricks. I pulled out my last card. I wasn’t thinking. He had me up against the wall. I offered him the house. Yes, I promised him the house. And he stopped. Turned around. Looked at me. And smiled. I didn’t hear a peep for the rest of the ceremony. My son had his price. He could be bought. I’m not sure he’ll ever cash in his chips. But I have a feeling he will hold it over me for the rest of my life. It was not my proudest moment I’ll admit. So much for winning parent of the year. But like anything else in life I remind myself that parents aren’t perfect. We’re just trying to make it through one day at a time doing the best we know how. But we mean well, and that’s what counts. Thanks for letting me share one of my moments of weakness. And, please, don’t tell the other mothers.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Now I lay me down to sleep, just watch me make my mommy weep!
Now I lay me down to sleep, just watch me make my mommy weep!
Now I lay me down to sleep, just watch me make my mommy weep!
By Kelly Swanson
They call me Junior, tell me I’m two, and, according to my bib, consider me a precious little gift from heaven, which may no longer apply after the seven-hour car ride today where I threw three temper tantrums, stuck a jelly bean up my nose, choked on a plastic frog, and timed each poopy to occur after we passed the rest stop.
We were at the beach, judging by the smell of battered fish and overabundance of joggers wearing thongs. It was another family reunion with Mommy’s family who, according to Daddy, doesn’t have a brain cell or a complete set of teeth between them – crammed into what was advertised as a quaint water-front cottage which turned out to be a tiny bug-infested trailer overlooking a sewage drain. That explains why Uncle Buford had some rental money left over for lottery tickets.
I was a good sport for the first several hours of sand-filled diapers, gritty bologna sandwiches, pinches on the cheek, and requests to hear my off-key rendition of twinkle, twinkle little star. I held it together when Raynelle walked out in her new swimsuit (I’ve had band aids bigger) and Granny Jean told her she was going to hell. Granny is convinced that half of us are going to hell and the half who aren’t should be. I kept my cool when I had to sit with Uncle Buford who on a good day thinks the year is 1956 and he’s a runner for the mob. And I did not let my temper slip when Aunt Edna started slurring her words and crying over her cat Bootsy who died when she was twelve.
But I’m only two for gosh sakes, I have my limits. And by the time the sun set on our rusty trailer, my patience had worn thin. It was time for some pay back. I chose bedtime as the perfect opportunity. Bedtimes are always a good opportunity. I must admit that I have mastered the art of bedtime stall tactics. So after six books, two kisses, four glasses of water, and a bedtime prayer that would have made Moses proud, I had my Mommy just where I wanted her, with her eyes glazed over and her mouth gone slack. It was time to bump things up a notch. I picked that moment to call out for my Yucky-Yucky who I knew full well had been left behind at our house sleeping soundly in the guest room commode where I left it.
I know it’s an odd name for my most beloved object of affection. But Yucky-Yucky is not your average childhood treasure. Not one of those cute plush animals delivered to me at birth by a line of blue-haired well-wishers from the local Baptist church, but an old plastic naked doll with chopped up hair, a face covered with red magic marker, and a missing pinky - delivered straight out of the mouth of the dog next door – and not too willingly might I add. “NO, NO!” Mommy kept shrieking. “That’s the dog’s toy. It’s yucky, baby. It’s yucky, yucky.” Hence the name.
I made it clear that I wanted Yucky-Yucky and that I would do anything including holding my breath to get it. It was at that particular moment that all eyes turned on me and pandemonium ensued as the entire cast of wacky southern characters descended on me like the seagulls on the Cheetos we had tossed out on the beach.
I screamed. I kicked. I held my breath until I turned blue and Granny said I was going to hell for being disobedient and Aunt Edna tried to give me mouth to mouth until Mommy stopped her and spared me my first taste of Budweiser.
They sent Uncle Skeeter out to buy another doll, cut off the hair, mark all over the face, run over it a couple of times, and pass it off as my Yucky-Yucky. Please, did they think me an idiot? I may forget the number six every time I count to ten, but I know an imposter when I see one. I let them have a couple moments of peace before launching into another jag of earth-shattering bellows.
It was then that Grunt, Cousin Ned’s three-legged deaf hound dog, caught sight of Yucky-Yucky and went after it – one of those nice unplanned surprises. I cranked it up a notch while they all chased after Grunt to get the doll, knocking over furniture and trashing what was probably already considered trash to begin with. Ned finally pried the plastic doll from Grunt’s teeth and threw it to Aunt Vyrnetta who managed to grab it and fling it up into the air before falling backwards into the fish tank and ripping her new orange Capri pants which, Mommy was correct, made her rear end look like an overgrown pumpkin.
And this is how the counterfeit Yucky-Yucky flew directly into the ceiling fan which had been operating at full speed ever since Aunt Edna had another one of her hot flashes. And there we all witnessed with startling clarity, the death of this imposter Yucky-Yucky who was decapitated in front of our very eyes. Death by ceiling fan.
I stopped crying. The dog stopped barking. Everybody stopped talking and moving at once. Complete silence except for the sound of the plastic head rolling across the hardwood floor where it landed with a thud against a ceramic dolphin wearing sunglasses, the rest of its body still lodged in the fan, whirling round and round like some freaky carnival ride.
They all agreed that letting me stay up as late as I wanted would have a far lesser impact than the scarring that would occur from the gruesome scene which had just played out. And so there I sat, in the middle of it all, for the rest of the night, nestled in my Aunt Edna’s bosom that smelled like roses and Marlboros, while Granny prayed over my soul and Uncle Skeet picked a little “I’ll Fly Away” on the guitar. Eventually, I fell asleep. Who can blame me? I was exhausted. And in my dreams I replayed that scene over and over – my first real decapitation. Too cool. How will I ever top that?
by Kelly Swanson
Trailer:
It’s all fun and games ‘til the baby doll’s head pops off. You’ve never seen a bedtime like this. Told from the toddler’s perspective! Low-budget family reunions are bad enough, but throw in a toddler who doesn’t want to go to bed, and it’s downright bedlam. Add a drunk aunt and a three-legged hound dog, and…well…let’s just say somebody’s bound to get hurt.
Now I lay me down to sleep, just watch me make my mommy weep!
By Kelly Swanson
They call me Junior, tell me I’m two, and, according to my bib, consider me a precious little gift from heaven, which may no longer apply after the seven-hour car ride today where I threw three temper tantrums, stuck a jelly bean up my nose, choked on a plastic frog, and timed each poopy to occur after we passed the rest stop.
We were at the beach, judging by the smell of battered fish and overabundance of joggers wearing thongs. It was another family reunion with Mommy’s family who, according to Daddy, doesn’t have a brain cell or a complete set of teeth between them – crammed into what was advertised as a quaint water-front cottage which turned out to be a tiny bug-infested trailer overlooking a sewage drain. That explains why Uncle Buford had some rental money left over for lottery tickets.
I was a good sport for the first several hours of sand-filled diapers, gritty bologna sandwiches, pinches on the cheek, and requests to hear my off-key rendition of twinkle, twinkle little star. I held it together when Raynelle walked out in her new swimsuit (I’ve had band aids bigger) and Granny Jean told her she was going to hell. Granny is convinced that half of us are going to hell and the half who aren’t should be. I kept my cool when I had to sit with Uncle Buford who on a good day thinks the year is 1956 and he’s a runner for the mob. And I did not let my temper slip when Aunt Edna started slurring her words and crying over her cat Bootsy who died when she was twelve.
But I’m only two for gosh sakes, I have my limits. And by the time the sun set on our rusty trailer, my patience had worn thin. It was time for some pay back. I chose bedtime as the perfect opportunity. Bedtimes are always a good opportunity. I must admit that I have mastered the art of bedtime stall tactics. So after six books, two kisses, four glasses of water, and a bedtime prayer that would have made Moses proud, I had my Mommy just where I wanted her, with her eyes glazed over and her mouth gone slack. It was time to bump things up a notch. I picked that moment to call out for my Yucky-Yucky who I knew full well had been left behind at our house sleeping soundly in the guest room commode where I left it.
I know it’s an odd name for my most beloved object of affection. But Yucky-Yucky is not your average childhood treasure. Not one of those cute plush animals delivered to me at birth by a line of blue-haired well-wishers from the local Baptist church, but an old plastic naked doll with chopped up hair, a face covered with red magic marker, and a missing pinky - delivered straight out of the mouth of the dog next door – and not too willingly might I add. “NO, NO!” Mommy kept shrieking. “That’s the dog’s toy. It’s yucky, baby. It’s yucky, yucky.” Hence the name.
I made it clear that I wanted Yucky-Yucky and that I would do anything including holding my breath to get it. It was at that particular moment that all eyes turned on me and pandemonium ensued as the entire cast of wacky southern characters descended on me like the seagulls on the Cheetos we had tossed out on the beach.
I screamed. I kicked. I held my breath until I turned blue and Granny said I was going to hell for being disobedient and Aunt Edna tried to give me mouth to mouth until Mommy stopped her and spared me my first taste of Budweiser.
They sent Uncle Skeeter out to buy another doll, cut off the hair, mark all over the face, run over it a couple of times, and pass it off as my Yucky-Yucky. Please, did they think me an idiot? I may forget the number six every time I count to ten, but I know an imposter when I see one. I let them have a couple moments of peace before launching into another jag of earth-shattering bellows.
It was then that Grunt, Cousin Ned’s three-legged deaf hound dog, caught sight of Yucky-Yucky and went after it – one of those nice unplanned surprises. I cranked it up a notch while they all chased after Grunt to get the doll, knocking over furniture and trashing what was probably already considered trash to begin with. Ned finally pried the plastic doll from Grunt’s teeth and threw it to Aunt Vyrnetta who managed to grab it and fling it up into the air before falling backwards into the fish tank and ripping her new orange Capri pants which, Mommy was correct, made her rear end look like an overgrown pumpkin.
And this is how the counterfeit Yucky-Yucky flew directly into the ceiling fan which had been operating at full speed ever since Aunt Edna had another one of her hot flashes. And there we all witnessed with startling clarity, the death of this imposter Yucky-Yucky who was decapitated in front of our very eyes. Death by ceiling fan.
I stopped crying. The dog stopped barking. Everybody stopped talking and moving at once. Complete silence except for the sound of the plastic head rolling across the hardwood floor where it landed with a thud against a ceramic dolphin wearing sunglasses, the rest of its body still lodged in the fan, whirling round and round like some freaky carnival ride.
They all agreed that letting me stay up as late as I wanted would have a far lesser impact than the scarring that would occur from the gruesome scene which had just played out. And so there I sat, in the middle of it all, for the rest of the night, nestled in my Aunt Edna’s bosom that smelled like roses and Marlboros, while Granny prayed over my soul and Uncle Skeet picked a little “I’ll Fly Away” on the guitar. Eventually, I fell asleep. Who can blame me? I was exhausted. And in my dreams I replayed that scene over and over – my first real decapitation. Too cool. How will I ever top that?
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Frazzled Mom Hiding Out in Bathroom
by Kelly Swanson
I have to talk quietly so he won’t hear me. If he hears me, he will find me, and I haven’t had a moment to myself all day. That’s why I’m sitting here in the bathroom sucking on a lollipop wishing it were a Marlboro, and clutching a bottle of cooking sherry. I just need a moment to vent. And I don’t have anybody. So you’re it.
No, it’s not about the gas bill again. I’m over that. Yes, I’m still counting points. Why do you think I’m in such a bad mood all the time? And, thank you, I’m no longer worried that my left elbow is bigger than my right. I’m just deformed. I’ll live with it. No, today I’m just tired.
That’s all there is to it. Tired. I don’t care anymore about winning the lottery, I don’t care about getting a new minivan. I don’t care about being swept away to a tropical paradise where I instantly turn into a size 0 and my breasts get perky again. I don’t care about anything but sleep.
You’re probably not going to feel sorry for me because my situation is not unique. I’m a mom. And to just one kid – a two-year-old boy– but just one kid all the same. “Oh shut up,” my Aunt Edna always says, “I had four kids in two years. You don’t even know tired.”
Please….just this one time…don’t tell me you have it worse…..don’t be like my cousin Shirley who constantly whines about how bad she’s got it. Waa, waa, waa. I’ve got three kids. We live in a trailer with my great Aunt Nadine who keeps losing her teeth while my no-good husband is in Nashville trying to make it as a country/western singer in between shifts at the nude car wash.
Maybe she does have it worse, but just for today. Take one minute out of your day to listen to a stranger. I won’t tell you the story of my life. I won’t even tell you the story of my week. Just let me tell you about my day. That’s all I ask.
He gets up at 5am. Which means I get up at five am and throw him another day-old cereal bar so he can watch cartoons while I get ready. Oh I know I know about that whole cartoon will rot his brain stuff. I was worried about it for about two weeks and then I got over that. I’ll trade rotted brain for some moments of quiet.
So I get one eyebrow done and I hear something that I know means trouble - silence. If you’re a mom and you hear silence, run.
In our house, junior’s silence usually means he’s either got the cat caught up in another death grip that he innocently refers to as playing – or he’s naked. In this case it’s the latter.
I follow the trail of pajamas and socks and diaper pieces (he can’t just take the thing off, he’s got to shred it in the process) and I get to where my beloved son is standing on top of his train play table playing my pee pee’s a water gun and firing on a helpless line of stuffed animals as well as anything else he deems worthy of death by pee pee – which now includes my bathrobe which is the price you pay when you startle an unsuspecting pee shooter. They’ll turn on you. That was just the beginning.
He refuses to get in his car seat because he thinks the dead leaf on the window is a bug, and he’s suddenly developed a terrifying phobia for anything smaller than a fly and lets out a terrifying shriek that can be heard all over the world – a shriek which he now finds to be quite fun and so continues shrieking without ceasing for a good twenty minutes – seeing how high up he can get in octave without breaking glass.
He sings Jesus Loves Me This I Know to the sweet foreign gentleman working at the gas station who apparently was not in a singing mood which did nothing to deter junior from singing it louder and louder with more urgency as if threatening to pull out his weapon and pee the poor man to death. I got a dirty look from this old lady beside me and I said, “What? We’re witnessing. Would you be interested in a pamphlet?” That shut her up.
I spend forever in the gym parking lot trying to find the ten-cent red rubber nose he found earlier in the week on the floor of the auto shop that had now rolled under the car. And he’s crying in jags stopping only to hold his breath and I’m under the car screaming, “I’ll give you something to cry about young man” and secretly hoping he doesn’t start holding his breath again – cause the gym nursery won’t take ‘em if they’re blue.
Oh, and get this. He chokes on a piece of gum at the grocery store – right in front of the feminine products, which is just Murphy’s Law. And I pounded him on the back a couple of times like we do to Uncle Willy when he eats steak without his teeth, and the gum finally shoots out. And it was really a crisis, ‘cause that was like my last piece.
And this little old lady gives me this sour look like it was my fault that Junior threw his sandal into her grocery cart and pulled over a display of oranges before I could catch him. And she’s all sour-faced and looking at me like I was something she scraped off the bottom of her shoe, and I’m like, “Look old woman, cut me some slack, he’s not even my kid. Check the milk carton in the back.”
He’s figured out how to roll down the window (used recycled Pintos don’t come with child window locks) and in the course of a four-minute conversation I had on my cell phone (telling my sister why I will never shop at the Wally Mart again) he manages to get his window down, work his way out of his clothes and throw them out, along with his diapers and his socks and his shoes, at intervals along highway 68. All of this in four minutes, while still strapped in and without making a peep. This from a kid who can’t keep the food on his fork from the plate to his mouth.
I could go on, but I’m not. Because I just don’t have the energy is why. And that’s why I’m here. Hiding in the bathroom. While he’s out there. Somewhere. Plotting. Scheming. Lurking. Help me! It’s only 10am. I’m tired.
I have to talk quietly so he won’t hear me. If he hears me, he will find me, and I haven’t had a moment to myself all day. That’s why I’m sitting here in the bathroom sucking on a lollipop wishing it were a Marlboro, and clutching a bottle of cooking sherry. I just need a moment to vent. And I don’t have anybody. So you’re it.
No, it’s not about the gas bill again. I’m over that. Yes, I’m still counting points. Why do you think I’m in such a bad mood all the time? And, thank you, I’m no longer worried that my left elbow is bigger than my right. I’m just deformed. I’ll live with it. No, today I’m just tired.
That’s all there is to it. Tired. I don’t care anymore about winning the lottery, I don’t care about getting a new minivan. I don’t care about being swept away to a tropical paradise where I instantly turn into a size 0 and my breasts get perky again. I don’t care about anything but sleep.
You’re probably not going to feel sorry for me because my situation is not unique. I’m a mom. And to just one kid – a two-year-old boy– but just one kid all the same. “Oh shut up,” my Aunt Edna always says, “I had four kids in two years. You don’t even know tired.”
Please….just this one time…don’t tell me you have it worse…..don’t be like my cousin Shirley who constantly whines about how bad she’s got it. Waa, waa, waa. I’ve got three kids. We live in a trailer with my great Aunt Nadine who keeps losing her teeth while my no-good husband is in Nashville trying to make it as a country/western singer in between shifts at the nude car wash.
Maybe she does have it worse, but just for today. Take one minute out of your day to listen to a stranger. I won’t tell you the story of my life. I won’t even tell you the story of my week. Just let me tell you about my day. That’s all I ask.
He gets up at 5am. Which means I get up at five am and throw him another day-old cereal bar so he can watch cartoons while I get ready. Oh I know I know about that whole cartoon will rot his brain stuff. I was worried about it for about two weeks and then I got over that. I’ll trade rotted brain for some moments of quiet.
So I get one eyebrow done and I hear something that I know means trouble - silence. If you’re a mom and you hear silence, run.
In our house, junior’s silence usually means he’s either got the cat caught up in another death grip that he innocently refers to as playing – or he’s naked. In this case it’s the latter.
I follow the trail of pajamas and socks and diaper pieces (he can’t just take the thing off, he’s got to shred it in the process) and I get to where my beloved son is standing on top of his train play table playing my pee pee’s a water gun and firing on a helpless line of stuffed animals as well as anything else he deems worthy of death by pee pee – which now includes my bathrobe which is the price you pay when you startle an unsuspecting pee shooter. They’ll turn on you. That was just the beginning.
He refuses to get in his car seat because he thinks the dead leaf on the window is a bug, and he’s suddenly developed a terrifying phobia for anything smaller than a fly and lets out a terrifying shriek that can be heard all over the world – a shriek which he now finds to be quite fun and so continues shrieking without ceasing for a good twenty minutes – seeing how high up he can get in octave without breaking glass.
He sings Jesus Loves Me This I Know to the sweet foreign gentleman working at the gas station who apparently was not in a singing mood which did nothing to deter junior from singing it louder and louder with more urgency as if threatening to pull out his weapon and pee the poor man to death. I got a dirty look from this old lady beside me and I said, “What? We’re witnessing. Would you be interested in a pamphlet?” That shut her up.
I spend forever in the gym parking lot trying to find the ten-cent red rubber nose he found earlier in the week on the floor of the auto shop that had now rolled under the car. And he’s crying in jags stopping only to hold his breath and I’m under the car screaming, “I’ll give you something to cry about young man” and secretly hoping he doesn’t start holding his breath again – cause the gym nursery won’t take ‘em if they’re blue.
Oh, and get this. He chokes on a piece of gum at the grocery store – right in front of the feminine products, which is just Murphy’s Law. And I pounded him on the back a couple of times like we do to Uncle Willy when he eats steak without his teeth, and the gum finally shoots out. And it was really a crisis, ‘cause that was like my last piece.
And this little old lady gives me this sour look like it was my fault that Junior threw his sandal into her grocery cart and pulled over a display of oranges before I could catch him. And she’s all sour-faced and looking at me like I was something she scraped off the bottom of her shoe, and I’m like, “Look old woman, cut me some slack, he’s not even my kid. Check the milk carton in the back.”
He’s figured out how to roll down the window (used recycled Pintos don’t come with child window locks) and in the course of a four-minute conversation I had on my cell phone (telling my sister why I will never shop at the Wally Mart again) he manages to get his window down, work his way out of his clothes and throw them out, along with his diapers and his socks and his shoes, at intervals along highway 68. All of this in four minutes, while still strapped in and without making a peep. This from a kid who can’t keep the food on his fork from the plate to his mouth.
I could go on, but I’m not. Because I just don’t have the energy is why. And that’s why I’m here. Hiding in the bathroom. While he’s out there. Somewhere. Plotting. Scheming. Lurking. Help me! It’s only 10am. I’m tired.
Monday, April 30, 2007
The Bridal Shower Story by Kelly Swanson
Well, here goes. This is a test run where I'm copying video into my blog.
I hope it works. Enjoy the story!
http://easylink.playstream.com/kellyswanson/Bridal_Shower.wvx
I hope it works. Enjoy the story!
http://easylink.playstream.com/kellyswanson/Bridal_Shower.wvx
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Seventy-Three Things I've Learned on Stage
73 Things
I’ve Learned on Stage
1. Find out about your audience in advance if you can.
2. There is no room for mediocre.
3. Your clients don’t care how talented you are, that’s already an assumption. What they care about is whether their audience will like you.
4. The show must go on.
5. Likeability is everything.
6. Your opening sets the tone. Make it good. It’s hard to bounce back from a weak opening. You can lose them in the first couple of minutes.
7. You can not prepare for every distraction to your show. Just stay calm and react.
8. A bad demo is worse than no demo.
9. Excitement is contagious.
10. It pays to add worth to your estimate, but never underestimate your worth. (It sounded better at home.)
11. Never eat chili before a show.
12. Success is not what the world tells you it. You decide what success looks like to you.
13. Being comfortable on stage is everything.
14. You are performing from the minute you answer your phone and engage in a conversation right up until …well, it never stops…..you are always “on.”
15. Speak like you speak – talk to them, not at them.
16. When disruptions happen, acknowledge them. Don’t pretend that you aren’t aware the lights just went out. If you can make a joke about it, your audience will think you’re a genius.
17. Live and learn and always treat yourself as a work in progress.
18. Success is not a method, it’s an attitude.
19. Find a way to be the only one who does what you do.
20. Timing is everything – on stage and off.
21. If they see your passion for what you do, they will feel it too.
22. You are not a star to be admired. You are a vessel so that your gift may flow through you – remember that and serve others.
23. Praying helps.
24. If it doesn’t get a laugh, pretend like it wasn’t supposed to.
25. Remember that your audience wants you to do well. They aren’t waiting for you mess up. They are cheering you on.
26. You never know who is sitting in your audience.
27. Marketing is simply telling them you are here. Any way you know how.
28. Watch game film.
29. Never underestimate the value of a thank-you note.
30. Get a website.
31. 10% of your audience will hate you because they hate everybody. 10% will love you because they love everybody. 80% will reserve judgment. That’s the group you want to impress. Forget about the unhappy 10%. You’ll never change them.
32. Nothing will help your appearance more than spandex and a good pair of suck-me-in panties.
33. Nobody notices normal.
34. It’s okay if somebody doesn’t “get” what you do.
35. Be true to who you are and at the end of the day you’ll know that you did your best.
36. Mingle with your audience first if you can.
37. Dress like you. If you’re a southern redneck, don’t come out in a ball gown.
38. When something really cool and unexpected happens on stage, write it down. Work it into your act.
39. Think of how radically different the world would be if our every decision was made thinking of someone else first.
40. Dream big. Think outside the box. Look at what everybody else is doing and do something radically different.
41. Smile. Smile when you’re talking to them on the phone. Smile when you walk on their property. Smile when you’re on stage and when you’re getting into your car to go home.
42. Every now and then take the job at the senior citizen for a chicken breast and a glass of sweet tea.
43. Don’t break the rules until you’ve learned them.
44. Learn it like a script, then practice telling it like you didn’t memorize it.
45. They may not remember what you made them think. But they will always remember how you made them feel.
46. Funny sells.
47. If they hire you for thirty minutes, talk for 29. Never ever ever think you have the right to go over your allotted time.
48. Your stories are never as interesting to somebody else as they are to you – get a second opinion.
49. Remember that not everyone can do what you do. That makes you valuable.
50. Don’t steal material. It’s just not nice.
51. The days are over of waiting for your big break. Make it happen.
52. Sometimes you get in front of the wrong crowd. Quit early.
53. Find ways that your material can relate to your audience – a universal theme – a common thread. You may not all share the same culture or background, but there are certain experiences that you do share - first love, getting spanked, relationships, etc.
54. Don’t get out of the race because you don’t think you can be the fastest. The world is big enough for all of us.
55. Remember the big picture.
56. Never try to copy somebody well known. If they want him, they’ll hire him.
57. You’ll get into trouble pretending like you know what stage right is.
58. You are here for a reason. Treat that honor with care.
59. Seek wisdom from those who are willing to give it. Surround yourself with people who know.
60. Other performers are not your enemy. They are your PR people, your support group, your advisors, and your cheerleaders.
61. It’s not talent that makes you rise to the top. There are plenty of talented performers waiting tables. The most successful aren’t the most talented – but the most persistent. The ones who keep getting back up.
62. Don’t leave your values at home.
63. You don’t have to figure everything out today.
64. There will always be someone telling you that you can’t do it.
65. Your client isn’t there to make you feel good about what you do. That’s your job.
66. Every audience is worthy of your best show.
67. Different is good. But accept the challenges that come with wearing a different label.
68. Leave the stage while you’re ahead. Never overstay your welcome.
69. Big hair will make your thighs look smaller.
70. Give back. Not because someone once gave to you, but because you can.
71. Often we are the very thing blocking our path to success.
72. Turn your head away from the microphone if you need to burp.
73. Don’t be too hard on yourself. At least you’re better now than you were ten years ago. Aren’t you?
Kelly Swanson
www.kellyswanson.net
I’ve Learned on Stage
1. Find out about your audience in advance if you can.
2. There is no room for mediocre.
3. Your clients don’t care how talented you are, that’s already an assumption. What they care about is whether their audience will like you.
4. The show must go on.
5. Likeability is everything.
6. Your opening sets the tone. Make it good. It’s hard to bounce back from a weak opening. You can lose them in the first couple of minutes.
7. You can not prepare for every distraction to your show. Just stay calm and react.
8. A bad demo is worse than no demo.
9. Excitement is contagious.
10. It pays to add worth to your estimate, but never underestimate your worth. (It sounded better at home.)
11. Never eat chili before a show.
12. Success is not what the world tells you it. You decide what success looks like to you.
13. Being comfortable on stage is everything.
14. You are performing from the minute you answer your phone and engage in a conversation right up until …well, it never stops…..you are always “on.”
15. Speak like you speak – talk to them, not at them.
16. When disruptions happen, acknowledge them. Don’t pretend that you aren’t aware the lights just went out. If you can make a joke about it, your audience will think you’re a genius.
17. Live and learn and always treat yourself as a work in progress.
18. Success is not a method, it’s an attitude.
19. Find a way to be the only one who does what you do.
20. Timing is everything – on stage and off.
21. If they see your passion for what you do, they will feel it too.
22. You are not a star to be admired. You are a vessel so that your gift may flow through you – remember that and serve others.
23. Praying helps.
24. If it doesn’t get a laugh, pretend like it wasn’t supposed to.
25. Remember that your audience wants you to do well. They aren’t waiting for you mess up. They are cheering you on.
26. You never know who is sitting in your audience.
27. Marketing is simply telling them you are here. Any way you know how.
28. Watch game film.
29. Never underestimate the value of a thank-you note.
30. Get a website.
31. 10% of your audience will hate you because they hate everybody. 10% will love you because they love everybody. 80% will reserve judgment. That’s the group you want to impress. Forget about the unhappy 10%. You’ll never change them.
32. Nothing will help your appearance more than spandex and a good pair of suck-me-in panties.
33. Nobody notices normal.
34. It’s okay if somebody doesn’t “get” what you do.
35. Be true to who you are and at the end of the day you’ll know that you did your best.
36. Mingle with your audience first if you can.
37. Dress like you. If you’re a southern redneck, don’t come out in a ball gown.
38. When something really cool and unexpected happens on stage, write it down. Work it into your act.
39. Think of how radically different the world would be if our every decision was made thinking of someone else first.
40. Dream big. Think outside the box. Look at what everybody else is doing and do something radically different.
41. Smile. Smile when you’re talking to them on the phone. Smile when you walk on their property. Smile when you’re on stage and when you’re getting into your car to go home.
42. Every now and then take the job at the senior citizen for a chicken breast and a glass of sweet tea.
43. Don’t break the rules until you’ve learned them.
44. Learn it like a script, then practice telling it like you didn’t memorize it.
45. They may not remember what you made them think. But they will always remember how you made them feel.
46. Funny sells.
47. If they hire you for thirty minutes, talk for 29. Never ever ever think you have the right to go over your allotted time.
48. Your stories are never as interesting to somebody else as they are to you – get a second opinion.
49. Remember that not everyone can do what you do. That makes you valuable.
50. Don’t steal material. It’s just not nice.
51. The days are over of waiting for your big break. Make it happen.
52. Sometimes you get in front of the wrong crowd. Quit early.
53. Find ways that your material can relate to your audience – a universal theme – a common thread. You may not all share the same culture or background, but there are certain experiences that you do share - first love, getting spanked, relationships, etc.
54. Don’t get out of the race because you don’t think you can be the fastest. The world is big enough for all of us.
55. Remember the big picture.
56. Never try to copy somebody well known. If they want him, they’ll hire him.
57. You’ll get into trouble pretending like you know what stage right is.
58. You are here for a reason. Treat that honor with care.
59. Seek wisdom from those who are willing to give it. Surround yourself with people who know.
60. Other performers are not your enemy. They are your PR people, your support group, your advisors, and your cheerleaders.
61. It’s not talent that makes you rise to the top. There are plenty of talented performers waiting tables. The most successful aren’t the most talented – but the most persistent. The ones who keep getting back up.
62. Don’t leave your values at home.
63. You don’t have to figure everything out today.
64. There will always be someone telling you that you can’t do it.
65. Your client isn’t there to make you feel good about what you do. That’s your job.
66. Every audience is worthy of your best show.
67. Different is good. But accept the challenges that come with wearing a different label.
68. Leave the stage while you’re ahead. Never overstay your welcome.
69. Big hair will make your thighs look smaller.
70. Give back. Not because someone once gave to you, but because you can.
71. Often we are the very thing blocking our path to success.
72. Turn your head away from the microphone if you need to burp.
73. Don’t be too hard on yourself. At least you’re better now than you were ten years ago. Aren’t you?
Kelly Swanson
www.kellyswanson.net
Saturday, April 21, 2007
When Parenting and Writing Collide
I'm a "Working Mother" – a stupid expression undoubtedly created by a man, or some thin woman who still has abs and doesn’t possess one of those precious little slippery, sniveling, shrieking, leaking, scabs with feet we call children. I love motherhood, just not today, as I throw darts at my June Cleaver poster, understanding with full clarity why my mother went through forty-seven wooden spoons when I was growing up.
I don’t like the term working mom. Every mom works. I’m simply a mom with a second job, working from a home I share with my husband and a two-year-old son who has two idols – his pee-pee and Sponge Bob.
Do you think I’m sitting at my quiet desk by a flickering candle sipping a latté while I write this? Don’t make me laugh. I wrote the first paragraph on the stair-master, after learning the hard way that you can’t write on a treadmill. The second draft I wrote in the checkout line, and the final revision in stirrups at my annual pap smear, and consider yourself honored because that was my only vacation from the kid all week and I spent it with you.
I am a writer, storyteller - whatever they need within reason and even that is negotiable. Being a writer is tough, but nothing can prepare you for what happens when parenting and writing collide. And collide is the perfect word.
I still remember long baths that didn’t include posterior probes by a rubber ducky. When Enya filled the halls, not shrieks from a naked child who refuses to take off his boots and yells everything, including his favorite song about how we all use the potty –that is, everybody but him. I remember when I had never uttered a sentence with both terd and tub in it.
My story isn’t unique. I count my blessings every day that I get to be a mom and still do what I love, even if it means eating potted meat instead of filet. You see, I am not the “after” picture of success. Nor am I the “before.” I am the “during” picture – that lonely place in the middle, when you’re not sure whether to keep going or turn back. And if this is you, then hear me when I say this. Don’t give up. Don’t listen to that voice telling you that you’re not good enough - that your dream doesn’t matter.
I’m speaking to every woman who is praying for her big break or even just a tiny crack. I’ve been there. I am still there, standing beside you, whispering in your ear. You can do it. It’s not about winning the race. It’s about staying in it. It is not the most talented who become the most successful. It’s the most determined. So let nothing stand in the way of your dream. Now, go hug your kid and get back to work.
I don’t like the term working mom. Every mom works. I’m simply a mom with a second job, working from a home I share with my husband and a two-year-old son who has two idols – his pee-pee and Sponge Bob.
Do you think I’m sitting at my quiet desk by a flickering candle sipping a latté while I write this? Don’t make me laugh. I wrote the first paragraph on the stair-master, after learning the hard way that you can’t write on a treadmill. The second draft I wrote in the checkout line, and the final revision in stirrups at my annual pap smear, and consider yourself honored because that was my only vacation from the kid all week and I spent it with you.
I am a writer, storyteller - whatever they need within reason and even that is negotiable. Being a writer is tough, but nothing can prepare you for what happens when parenting and writing collide. And collide is the perfect word.
I still remember long baths that didn’t include posterior probes by a rubber ducky. When Enya filled the halls, not shrieks from a naked child who refuses to take off his boots and yells everything, including his favorite song about how we all use the potty –that is, everybody but him. I remember when I had never uttered a sentence with both terd and tub in it.
My story isn’t unique. I count my blessings every day that I get to be a mom and still do what I love, even if it means eating potted meat instead of filet. You see, I am not the “after” picture of success. Nor am I the “before.” I am the “during” picture – that lonely place in the middle, when you’re not sure whether to keep going or turn back. And if this is you, then hear me when I say this. Don’t give up. Don’t listen to that voice telling you that you’re not good enough - that your dream doesn’t matter.
I’m speaking to every woman who is praying for her big break or even just a tiny crack. I’ve been there. I am still there, standing beside you, whispering in your ear. You can do it. It’s not about winning the race. It’s about staying in it. It is not the most talented who become the most successful. It’s the most determined. So let nothing stand in the way of your dream. Now, go hug your kid and get back to work.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Planning a Tour
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PLANNING A TOUR
Making one job turn into three
by Kelly Swanson
President, North Carolina Storytelling Guild
April, 2007
Have you ever taken a job out of town for less than your normal rate? Have you ever wished that you could find a way to make more money out of each job? Have you ever wanted an excuse to visit your favorite vacation spot? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then this is the article for you.
As artists, many of us struggle to make a living doing what we love to do. We are so filled with passion that we are willing to work for next to nothing if that’s what it takes. And often we get discouraged when the phone doesn’t ring. Or we look at the upcoming month of bookings and know that we face another month of eating boxed noodles. This is the life of a starving artist, hence the term. And it will always be our struggle to bring in more business. But take comfort in the fact that there are ways to make more money with the jobs you’ve got. And, like everything else in the world of marketing, it doesn’t just naturally happen. You have to make it happen. Quite often in our business the answer isn’t in working harder, but working smarter. And today I’m going to share four areas where you can start working smarter.
Product
If you are a speaker or performer, at some point you will want to look into creating books, CD’s, and DVD’s. People like to take a piece of you home after the show. It’s a great way to double your money on a job. But it’s also easier said than done, and you don’t want to create something that doesn’t represent you in a professional way. So don’t be in so much of a hurry that you spend all your money to create something that a year later you wish you could take back. But also understand that there are other ways to sell product.
Make a manual, put a cute cover on it, bind it, and sell it in the back of the room for more than it cost you to make it. You’re probably wondering what the manual should be about. If you are teaching a workshop, then make your manual be a how-to book. If you are a humorist, do a manual on how to add humor to your life. If you are a storyteller, do a manual on how to use stories in your classroom or in your home. I have seen speakers bring little gadgets to sell in the back. If you are an artist, bring some stuff you have made to sell. Wouldn’t it be cool if you are a storyteller that uses gourds to tell stories and sold story gourds in the back of the room? Or maybe gourds with a manual on how to do your own story gourd. I once saw a storyteller who used a little wooden dancing puppet in his show. Turns out he sold them in the back after the show. I loved them so much I bought six to use when I do kid shows. My mother has an embroidery machine. I’m going to get her to sew one of my cartoons on a t-shirt or a bag and sell it in the back of the room. I know that some of you have skills as an artist. Make a fun story pin, have a story behind it, and sell it in the back of the room. Have fun and use your imagination. Just don’t lose sight of your purpose which is to create something you can sell to make a profit.
You may not be ready for a professional CD yet, but there are ways to sell recordings of your show. Invest in a digital recorder that will record a show that can then be transferred to your computer. At this point you can save it as a file and email it or save it to a CD. Voila! You have a recording of the show to sell. You can sell the CD’s the day of the show and promise to mail them within the week. Make sure you know what you’re doing. You’d hate to sell a recording and find out you forgot to turn the thing on. I’ve heard of speakers selling thirty-minute CD’s for ten dollars. But the digital recorder is expensive, so let me give you another option.
I want you to know about Audacity Recording software. If you do a Google search for “Audacity Free Recording Software” you will find a site that allows you to download the free recording software. Here is one site where I found it: http://audacity.sourceforge.net/. Don’t go to Audacity.com because that is an actual recording studio’s website. Audacity Software can be downloaded onto your computer. It allows you to tape directly into your computer and edit it. I needed a microphone to plug into my computer. My husband had one lying around, so it didn’t have to be specific to my computer. You can save the recording as an MP3 and copy it to disc or email the recording or post it on your website. That’s how I did the demo clips on my Promotion page if you want to listen (http://www.kellyswanson.net/). Though it isn’t as good or effective as a live show, the quality is good and it doesn’t cost anything. I love it.
I have a professional CD, but I plan on doing some more CD’s by taping stories directly into my Audacity software and then saving them to CD. One time a client didn’t choose me because she wasn’t sure how I could do motivational speaking. So I jumped on my computer, taped it, and emailed it to her. She loved it. When Mother’s Day comes around I will tape some stories that have to do with mothers and sell it wherever I have a show on Mother’s Day. Same thing for the holidays – a collection of Christmas stories. What great Christmas gifts. Audacity is also good for those times when you need an audition demo that has very specific time and content requirements. Now you can create one on demand. Too cool. Make sure you have access to someone with some computer knowledge in case you run into some questions while downloading.
Extra Services on Location
Be aware of what other talents you possess – what other values you can offer your audience. If you are a storyteller, then chances are good that you can teach a Storytelling 101 class. If you make a living as a storyteller, then you know how to start your own business as an artist. You may have some great ideas about how to use storytelling in your church, or how to craft a presentation. If you are funny, then you probably have tips on humor. If you are a natural in front of an audience, then you can show CEO’s how to be natural when giving speeches. You might be a good coach or have skills at designing websites. Take inventory of your assets and next time you get a call, make sure that they know the other things you can do. This may be an incentive to bring you back again, or to put you in a more lucrative spot. You really need to think about who is calling and what they would find of value. For example, if I’m going to entertain a group of teachers with my comedy, I would make sure that they know I can teach workshops on how to incorporate storytelling in the classroom as a teaching tool. If I’m hired as the entertainment at a Professional Women’s Conference, I would want them to know that I can also teach a breakout session on Website Positioning in the Marketplace. I just made that one up, but sure sounds good doesn’t it! I am surprised at how many people out there want to learn how to do what I do. You might find yourself in the same position.
I heard a new idea recently of offering coaching sessions while on location. Basically, you tell them that you are available for personal coaching sessions for $x an hour. I think this is a neat idea and plan on trying it the next time I have a job in a venue which would allow for such an activity.
Creating Other Jobs in the Area
This is sometimes harder than you might think but definitely worth the effort for many reasons. When you have a job far from home, try to get other jobs in the area while you are there. It helps to offer a discount as an incentive for them to book you that particular week. Here is how I have worded emails in the past:
Award-winning storyteller and comedian, Kelly Swanson, will be teaching a comedy workshop in your area on June 2, 2007. She is offering a discount to anyone who books a show or workshop in the area the week of June 1st. She offers programs for children and adults, as well as a workshop for artists on how to start their own business. For more information, see http://www.kellyswanson.net/
Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t. But even if you don’t get business, you are getting your name out there and planting the seed. You never know what may come of it. I have had people say, “No, we don’t need anybody that week. However, we do have a conference in September, would you be interested in coming back?”
The internet will be your starting and ending point. No need to use anything else. Plan on spending hours in front of it. I recommend that you create a system for booking your own tour - a list of who you call in every case. That’s what I did. And I based my list on the typical places where I have been known to get work. Sometimes I call and sometimes I email. I will look up any old business I had in that area and give them a call to ask if they can recommend someone who might be interested in having me come while I’m in town. Here is my list. Copy it if you’d like, but make sure that it’s a list that works for you.
Visitor’s Centers
Chambers of Commerce
Businesses in the area – usually listed on the Chamber’s site
Arts Councils
Children’s Museums
Birthday Party Hosting Sites (if you do kids’ shows)
Schools
Libraries
Churches
Book Stores
Rotaries - you may not get paid, but you can sell product and/or get your name out
Junior Leagues
Kiwanis
Ladies Groups
Civic Groups
Event Planners / Meeting Planners
Friends and Relatives who live in the area and can provide referrals
Press Releases
Press releases are a good idea for many reasons. When you know you are performing in an area, send a press release to the local media contacts. Again, use the internet to find them. You will often get some media exposure, maybe even an article on the front page of the local paper. You may not see the benefit right away, but sometimes you do. I have gotten many bookings from people who have just read about me in an article, and many bookings from those who remembered reading about me in that article a year ago. Press Releases are easy (Google a sample press release to learn how to do one) and you get much more out of them than you put into them.
And there you have it, four areas where you can start working smarter. If you are already doing this, congratulations. Maybe you’ve gotten slack and needed a reminder. Or maybe this is all new to you. Doesn’t matter. It works for everybody. And it doesn’t require upper level thinking to do it.
Even if these things don’t result in business right away, quite often they will result in business later down the line. Sometimes my declined request turned into something even better later.
The more I work at my business, the more I realize that it’s not really a matter of knowing what to do, but actually doing it. If you want the joy of turning your art into a profession and making money for what you do, you must treat it like a profession. It’s up to you. It will not happen if you just wait for it to happen.
There are those who may not agree. Those who think that marketing has no place in the sacred world of storytelling. That art is not a business. If you get paid for it, it’s a business. And you’re not selling out. You’re choosing to be brave enough to go for your dreams. Just like the musicians who sell their albums – to the dancers who perform on Broadway – to the writers who sell books – to the guitar player on the corner who puts out the faded hat for tips.
I will not say it is easy. I will not say there are shortcuts to success. It takes work. It takes courage to pick up that phone, to put yourself out there and risk rejection. Believe in yourself. I believe in you. You have a gift – a talent that a majority of people do not possess. Now go out and sell it.
Kelly Swanson
It's all fun and games 'til the hair gets messed up
www.kellyswanson.net
Making one job turn into three
by Kelly Swanson
President, North Carolina Storytelling Guild
April, 2007
Have you ever taken a job out of town for less than your normal rate? Have you ever wished that you could find a way to make more money out of each job? Have you ever wanted an excuse to visit your favorite vacation spot? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then this is the article for you.
As artists, many of us struggle to make a living doing what we love to do. We are so filled with passion that we are willing to work for next to nothing if that’s what it takes. And often we get discouraged when the phone doesn’t ring. Or we look at the upcoming month of bookings and know that we face another month of eating boxed noodles. This is the life of a starving artist, hence the term. And it will always be our struggle to bring in more business. But take comfort in the fact that there are ways to make more money with the jobs you’ve got. And, like everything else in the world of marketing, it doesn’t just naturally happen. You have to make it happen. Quite often in our business the answer isn’t in working harder, but working smarter. And today I’m going to share four areas where you can start working smarter.
Product
If you are a speaker or performer, at some point you will want to look into creating books, CD’s, and DVD’s. People like to take a piece of you home after the show. It’s a great way to double your money on a job. But it’s also easier said than done, and you don’t want to create something that doesn’t represent you in a professional way. So don’t be in so much of a hurry that you spend all your money to create something that a year later you wish you could take back. But also understand that there are other ways to sell product.
Make a manual, put a cute cover on it, bind it, and sell it in the back of the room for more than it cost you to make it. You’re probably wondering what the manual should be about. If you are teaching a workshop, then make your manual be a how-to book. If you are a humorist, do a manual on how to add humor to your life. If you are a storyteller, do a manual on how to use stories in your classroom or in your home. I have seen speakers bring little gadgets to sell in the back. If you are an artist, bring some stuff you have made to sell. Wouldn’t it be cool if you are a storyteller that uses gourds to tell stories and sold story gourds in the back of the room? Or maybe gourds with a manual on how to do your own story gourd. I once saw a storyteller who used a little wooden dancing puppet in his show. Turns out he sold them in the back after the show. I loved them so much I bought six to use when I do kid shows. My mother has an embroidery machine. I’m going to get her to sew one of my cartoons on a t-shirt or a bag and sell it in the back of the room. I know that some of you have skills as an artist. Make a fun story pin, have a story behind it, and sell it in the back of the room. Have fun and use your imagination. Just don’t lose sight of your purpose which is to create something you can sell to make a profit.
You may not be ready for a professional CD yet, but there are ways to sell recordings of your show. Invest in a digital recorder that will record a show that can then be transferred to your computer. At this point you can save it as a file and email it or save it to a CD. Voila! You have a recording of the show to sell. You can sell the CD’s the day of the show and promise to mail them within the week. Make sure you know what you’re doing. You’d hate to sell a recording and find out you forgot to turn the thing on. I’ve heard of speakers selling thirty-minute CD’s for ten dollars. But the digital recorder is expensive, so let me give you another option.
I want you to know about Audacity Recording software. If you do a Google search for “Audacity Free Recording Software” you will find a site that allows you to download the free recording software. Here is one site where I found it: http://audacity.sourceforge.net/. Don’t go to Audacity.com because that is an actual recording studio’s website. Audacity Software can be downloaded onto your computer. It allows you to tape directly into your computer and edit it. I needed a microphone to plug into my computer. My husband had one lying around, so it didn’t have to be specific to my computer. You can save the recording as an MP3 and copy it to disc or email the recording or post it on your website. That’s how I did the demo clips on my Promotion page if you want to listen (http://www.kellyswanson.net/). Though it isn’t as good or effective as a live show, the quality is good and it doesn’t cost anything. I love it.
I have a professional CD, but I plan on doing some more CD’s by taping stories directly into my Audacity software and then saving them to CD. One time a client didn’t choose me because she wasn’t sure how I could do motivational speaking. So I jumped on my computer, taped it, and emailed it to her. She loved it. When Mother’s Day comes around I will tape some stories that have to do with mothers and sell it wherever I have a show on Mother’s Day. Same thing for the holidays – a collection of Christmas stories. What great Christmas gifts. Audacity is also good for those times when you need an audition demo that has very specific time and content requirements. Now you can create one on demand. Too cool. Make sure you have access to someone with some computer knowledge in case you run into some questions while downloading.
Extra Services on Location
Be aware of what other talents you possess – what other values you can offer your audience. If you are a storyteller, then chances are good that you can teach a Storytelling 101 class. If you make a living as a storyteller, then you know how to start your own business as an artist. You may have some great ideas about how to use storytelling in your church, or how to craft a presentation. If you are funny, then you probably have tips on humor. If you are a natural in front of an audience, then you can show CEO’s how to be natural when giving speeches. You might be a good coach or have skills at designing websites. Take inventory of your assets and next time you get a call, make sure that they know the other things you can do. This may be an incentive to bring you back again, or to put you in a more lucrative spot. You really need to think about who is calling and what they would find of value. For example, if I’m going to entertain a group of teachers with my comedy, I would make sure that they know I can teach workshops on how to incorporate storytelling in the classroom as a teaching tool. If I’m hired as the entertainment at a Professional Women’s Conference, I would want them to know that I can also teach a breakout session on Website Positioning in the Marketplace. I just made that one up, but sure sounds good doesn’t it! I am surprised at how many people out there want to learn how to do what I do. You might find yourself in the same position.
I heard a new idea recently of offering coaching sessions while on location. Basically, you tell them that you are available for personal coaching sessions for $x an hour. I think this is a neat idea and plan on trying it the next time I have a job in a venue which would allow for such an activity.
Creating Other Jobs in the Area
This is sometimes harder than you might think but definitely worth the effort for many reasons. When you have a job far from home, try to get other jobs in the area while you are there. It helps to offer a discount as an incentive for them to book you that particular week. Here is how I have worded emails in the past:
Award-winning storyteller and comedian, Kelly Swanson, will be teaching a comedy workshop in your area on June 2, 2007. She is offering a discount to anyone who books a show or workshop in the area the week of June 1st. She offers programs for children and adults, as well as a workshop for artists on how to start their own business. For more information, see http://www.kellyswanson.net/
Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t. But even if you don’t get business, you are getting your name out there and planting the seed. You never know what may come of it. I have had people say, “No, we don’t need anybody that week. However, we do have a conference in September, would you be interested in coming back?”
The internet will be your starting and ending point. No need to use anything else. Plan on spending hours in front of it. I recommend that you create a system for booking your own tour - a list of who you call in every case. That’s what I did. And I based my list on the typical places where I have been known to get work. Sometimes I call and sometimes I email. I will look up any old business I had in that area and give them a call to ask if they can recommend someone who might be interested in having me come while I’m in town. Here is my list. Copy it if you’d like, but make sure that it’s a list that works for you.
Visitor’s Centers
Chambers of Commerce
Businesses in the area – usually listed on the Chamber’s site
Arts Councils
Children’s Museums
Birthday Party Hosting Sites (if you do kids’ shows)
Schools
Libraries
Churches
Book Stores
Rotaries - you may not get paid, but you can sell product and/or get your name out
Junior Leagues
Kiwanis
Ladies Groups
Civic Groups
Event Planners / Meeting Planners
Friends and Relatives who live in the area and can provide referrals
Press Releases
Press releases are a good idea for many reasons. When you know you are performing in an area, send a press release to the local media contacts. Again, use the internet to find them. You will often get some media exposure, maybe even an article on the front page of the local paper. You may not see the benefit right away, but sometimes you do. I have gotten many bookings from people who have just read about me in an article, and many bookings from those who remembered reading about me in that article a year ago. Press Releases are easy (Google a sample press release to learn how to do one) and you get much more out of them than you put into them.
And there you have it, four areas where you can start working smarter. If you are already doing this, congratulations. Maybe you’ve gotten slack and needed a reminder. Or maybe this is all new to you. Doesn’t matter. It works for everybody. And it doesn’t require upper level thinking to do it.
Even if these things don’t result in business right away, quite often they will result in business later down the line. Sometimes my declined request turned into something even better later.
The more I work at my business, the more I realize that it’s not really a matter of knowing what to do, but actually doing it. If you want the joy of turning your art into a profession and making money for what you do, you must treat it like a profession. It’s up to you. It will not happen if you just wait for it to happen.
There are those who may not agree. Those who think that marketing has no place in the sacred world of storytelling. That art is not a business. If you get paid for it, it’s a business. And you’re not selling out. You’re choosing to be brave enough to go for your dreams. Just like the musicians who sell their albums – to the dancers who perform on Broadway – to the writers who sell books – to the guitar player on the corner who puts out the faded hat for tips.
I will not say it is easy. I will not say there are shortcuts to success. It takes work. It takes courage to pick up that phone, to put yourself out there and risk rejection. Believe in yourself. I believe in you. You have a gift – a talent that a majority of people do not possess. Now go out and sell it.
Kelly Swanson
It's all fun and games 'til the hair gets messed up
www.kellyswanson.net
Understanding your value to your customer
UNDERSTANDING YOUR VALUE TO YOUR CUSTOMER
It’s not about providing a service that is valuable.
It’s about providing a service that your client finds valuable.
by Kelly Swanson
President, North Carolina Storytelling Guild
March, 2007
I don’t know about you, but marketing is not my favorite part of my job. I’m an artist. I want to create. I want to perform. I want to sweat under a spotlight and have adoring fans faint at my feet. I want the glamour. I want the paparazzi to try to catch pictures of me sun bathing nude on a remote island. And nowhere in this dream do I envision myself licking stamps, entering addresses on a database, fighting with technology, and facing rejection on a regular basis. And for a long time, I waited for success to happen to me. I was an artist, and like most artists, I just waited for my big break. Well, guess what. Big breaks don’t just happen. You’ve got to go out there and make it happen. I don’t care what people say. Look at any artist who has benefited from a big break, and tell me that they didn’t consciously make a decision (or several decisions) that put them along the path that led to their supposed good fortune. The winner of American Idol at some point made a decision to go stand in line.
I say this, not to discourage you, but to inspire you. The waiting is over. It’s a new day. You have a valuable gift. You want to share it with the world. It’s time to let them know you are here. Any way you know how. It is that simple. As much as you may not like the way I put it, you have a product to sell. Unless you have decided that your art is for your own pleasure only and you do not intend to do anything more than enjoy it within the confines of your own home. And this is fine too. You probably won’t benefit from this article. But for the rest of us who want to share our gift with the world, read on.
I am a storyteller and a writer and a comedian. I know the value in what I do. I know the value in making people laugh. I know the power and beauty in words and how they are put together. I know that what I do has merit and brings people joy. I know I matter. If you aren’t at this point mentally, stop reading and find someone who can help you restore your soul. I’m here if you need me to remind you of your worth. But knowing you are valuable is not the key to good marketing. It’s knowing what your client finds valuable. And can you provide the value they are looking for?
Whenever I get a job that isn’t typical for those in the storytelling profession, people are surprised and undoubtedly ask me how I got the audience to “accept” what I do. How was I able to “educate” my audience on what a storyteller needs? How was I able to make them “get” what I do? The whole point of this article is that it’s not about getting your audience or your client to accept what you do. It is not about them meeting your needs. It’s about you meeting their needs. This is a business and most clients will not spend time trying to figure out how to best use your gift. Let me give you an example.
When I got booked on the cruise ships as an evening entertainer and I saw the scheduled lineup of artists, I was surprised that they chose storytelling to include in their repertoire. I knew that my show was radically different than what the cruise audiences were accustomed to watching. In my eyes, it didn’t fit. Don’t get me wrong. I knew my show was good. I knew it had value. I just wasn’t sure that it was the value my client was looking for. I was right.
My first show went off without a hitch. I didn’t miss a beat. I knew based on years of experience that I had hit the mark on all that I had set out to do. It was the best that I knew how to do. And it was received about as enthusiastically as a cold sore on school picture day. That’s right. It bombed. And do you know why? Because it wasn’t what they were expecting. It didn’t fit what the audience wanted. One man summed it up perfectly when he said, “Fantastic show. Wrong crowd.”
It was awful. On cruise ships you can’t just run away and lick your wounds. You have to face your audience everywhere! And I wasn’t finished. I had another show in forty-five minutes. And two more shows the following week before I could go home. And when you’re in show business, you don’t get to just quit. The show must go on. So in forty-five minutes I met with the cruise director who told me what went wrong. They wanted funny. They didn’t want serious or poignant. They wanted comedy. Stick with that and they’ll be fine. So in forty-five minutes I rewrote my show pulling every piece of comedy I had. And on the second show….I was a hit. The difference was astounding. They couldn’t stop talking about it. They loved it. I don’t tell you this to brag. They also liked the one-armed man who juggled poodles and sang Moon Over Miami. I tell you this because it is a great example of how important it is to find out what is valuable to your customer first, and then decide if you can provide the value. If not, no big deal. Move on to another customer.
When you know what your customer finds valuable, and you feel that your service meets that value, then there is one more step. You need to know how to sell your value to them in a language that they can understand. You need to know their lingo. Find the words that they can relate to. Schools will want to use words like curriculum and grants and test scores. Comedy clubs will be interested in laughs per minute. Churches will want to know your statement of faith. Publishers will want to know your market value. The corporate world will want points and how your service will benefit their bottom line. I know, it sounds like a lot of work. But you need to do it if you want to increase your business. And this is why it is so important to know who you want to sell your product to, before you ever figure out how to sell it to them.
And let me end this rambling session with a word of advice. Please don’t change your art to match your audience. You can tweak it here and there to fit your message to your group. I have sold my service to just about every type of venue you can think of, and have written stories to fit just about every audience and theme you can imagine. I have come up with hundreds of different ways to package my show, yet never once have I changed my material. Never once have I strayed from what I love to do – which is to write and tell stories. So do not read this article and find any reason to change yourself to fit a market. If you don’t fit your audience, find a different one. You have a gift to share with the world. You just need to find the right place to share it. And if I can be of any help along the way, don’t hesitate to ask.
I wish you all my best. See you in April.
It’s not about providing a service that is valuable.
It’s about providing a service that your client finds valuable.
by Kelly Swanson
President, North Carolina Storytelling Guild
March, 2007
I don’t know about you, but marketing is not my favorite part of my job. I’m an artist. I want to create. I want to perform. I want to sweat under a spotlight and have adoring fans faint at my feet. I want the glamour. I want the paparazzi to try to catch pictures of me sun bathing nude on a remote island. And nowhere in this dream do I envision myself licking stamps, entering addresses on a database, fighting with technology, and facing rejection on a regular basis. And for a long time, I waited for success to happen to me. I was an artist, and like most artists, I just waited for my big break. Well, guess what. Big breaks don’t just happen. You’ve got to go out there and make it happen. I don’t care what people say. Look at any artist who has benefited from a big break, and tell me that they didn’t consciously make a decision (or several decisions) that put them along the path that led to their supposed good fortune. The winner of American Idol at some point made a decision to go stand in line.
I say this, not to discourage you, but to inspire you. The waiting is over. It’s a new day. You have a valuable gift. You want to share it with the world. It’s time to let them know you are here. Any way you know how. It is that simple. As much as you may not like the way I put it, you have a product to sell. Unless you have decided that your art is for your own pleasure only and you do not intend to do anything more than enjoy it within the confines of your own home. And this is fine too. You probably won’t benefit from this article. But for the rest of us who want to share our gift with the world, read on.
I am a storyteller and a writer and a comedian. I know the value in what I do. I know the value in making people laugh. I know the power and beauty in words and how they are put together. I know that what I do has merit and brings people joy. I know I matter. If you aren’t at this point mentally, stop reading and find someone who can help you restore your soul. I’m here if you need me to remind you of your worth. But knowing you are valuable is not the key to good marketing. It’s knowing what your client finds valuable. And can you provide the value they are looking for?
Whenever I get a job that isn’t typical for those in the storytelling profession, people are surprised and undoubtedly ask me how I got the audience to “accept” what I do. How was I able to “educate” my audience on what a storyteller needs? How was I able to make them “get” what I do? The whole point of this article is that it’s not about getting your audience or your client to accept what you do. It is not about them meeting your needs. It’s about you meeting their needs. This is a business and most clients will not spend time trying to figure out how to best use your gift. Let me give you an example.
When I got booked on the cruise ships as an evening entertainer and I saw the scheduled lineup of artists, I was surprised that they chose storytelling to include in their repertoire. I knew that my show was radically different than what the cruise audiences were accustomed to watching. In my eyes, it didn’t fit. Don’t get me wrong. I knew my show was good. I knew it had value. I just wasn’t sure that it was the value my client was looking for. I was right.
My first show went off without a hitch. I didn’t miss a beat. I knew based on years of experience that I had hit the mark on all that I had set out to do. It was the best that I knew how to do. And it was received about as enthusiastically as a cold sore on school picture day. That’s right. It bombed. And do you know why? Because it wasn’t what they were expecting. It didn’t fit what the audience wanted. One man summed it up perfectly when he said, “Fantastic show. Wrong crowd.”
It was awful. On cruise ships you can’t just run away and lick your wounds. You have to face your audience everywhere! And I wasn’t finished. I had another show in forty-five minutes. And two more shows the following week before I could go home. And when you’re in show business, you don’t get to just quit. The show must go on. So in forty-five minutes I met with the cruise director who told me what went wrong. They wanted funny. They didn’t want serious or poignant. They wanted comedy. Stick with that and they’ll be fine. So in forty-five minutes I rewrote my show pulling every piece of comedy I had. And on the second show….I was a hit. The difference was astounding. They couldn’t stop talking about it. They loved it. I don’t tell you this to brag. They also liked the one-armed man who juggled poodles and sang Moon Over Miami. I tell you this because it is a great example of how important it is to find out what is valuable to your customer first, and then decide if you can provide the value. If not, no big deal. Move on to another customer.
When you know what your customer finds valuable, and you feel that your service meets that value, then there is one more step. You need to know how to sell your value to them in a language that they can understand. You need to know their lingo. Find the words that they can relate to. Schools will want to use words like curriculum and grants and test scores. Comedy clubs will be interested in laughs per minute. Churches will want to know your statement of faith. Publishers will want to know your market value. The corporate world will want points and how your service will benefit their bottom line. I know, it sounds like a lot of work. But you need to do it if you want to increase your business. And this is why it is so important to know who you want to sell your product to, before you ever figure out how to sell it to them.
And let me end this rambling session with a word of advice. Please don’t change your art to match your audience. You can tweak it here and there to fit your message to your group. I have sold my service to just about every type of venue you can think of, and have written stories to fit just about every audience and theme you can imagine. I have come up with hundreds of different ways to package my show, yet never once have I changed my material. Never once have I strayed from what I love to do – which is to write and tell stories. So do not read this article and find any reason to change yourself to fit a market. If you don’t fit your audience, find a different one. You have a gift to share with the world. You just need to find the right place to share it. And if I can be of any help along the way, don’t hesitate to ask.
I wish you all my best. See you in April.
Kelly Swanson
It's all fun and games 'til the hair gets messed up
Developing Characters
DEVELOPING CHARACTERS
Stories aren’t about plots, they’re about the people
by Kelly Swanson
President, North Carolina Storytelling Guild
February, 2007
Cedar Grove is a tiny town about a mile and a hair past nowhere. They’ve got two stoplights total and an old brick schoolhouse that also serves as the town hall and bingo headquarters on Thursdays. They’re very proud of their one-half of a fast-food restaurant. The other half is technically in Butner – not the same Butner to which you may be familiar with. Time rolls at a slow pace in Cedar Grove where the most exciting thing that ever happened was the time Cleetus Harley’s pig made front page of the paper for having borned her a piglet with three tails. These stories, they aren’t fancy. They’re just about the people. Kelly Swanson
This is how I open many of my storytelling performances and I have spent years “apologizing” for the fact that my stories don’t have strong plots, just strong characters. I always hoped that my audiences would form a connection with my characters – a connection that would somehow make their lives better having known the characters in my small southern town.
So imagine my surprise when over the course of my studies (I am always studying comedy, writing, storytelling, speaking, etc.) I ran across a book written by one of my favorite comedy writers (Janet Evanovich) where she states that stories aren’t about plots, they’re about the characters. This is not to say that a story doesn’t need a plot, or that plots aren’t important. It is to say that with weak characters, your plot is useless. So if you remember anything today, remember that the story is in the people. Let me say it louder: THE STORY IS IN THE PEOPLE.
She’s not the first one to say it, and most certainly not the last, but for the first time I stopped and listened and let it soak into my brain as another writing truth ingrained in my heart. (Here’s where my husband would tell me to quit being so dramatic.) And so the topic I have chosen to ramble on about for this month is developing characters. I have seen time and time again that when you take the time to fully develop a character, the story will write itself. Did you hear that? Spend time on the character and the story will write itself. I’ve seen it happen over and over. So trust me on this.
I’m a big believer in showing rather than telling, so instead of giving you a list of ways to develop a character, I’m going to show you how I developed a character just last week, and how opening up your mind to these characters will unlock story trails beyond imagination. Okay, so maybe I’m being dramatic again. Let’s just get to work and see if I can show you what I mean.
I’m huffing and puffing away on my treadmill (where I get my best creative work done) and I’m reading what Janet Evanovich (in her book “How I Write”) has to say about the characters in her books. And I was so intrigued and inspired by her insights that I immediately got out my life journal (yes, I actually meant it when I said I had a life journal) and decided to create a character right there on the spot. No story, no plot, no deep hidden meanings – just a character. And as every good writer knows, perfect characters are boring. We want characters who have flaws, who make mistakes – characters who are real.
So I trusted the first person to pop into my head and decided on a girl (because I am one, and know nothing about being a boy and don’t want to do the research to figure it out.) How about a girl who teaches dance in small town. Is it the best character in the world? Who knows, this is just practice so I’ll go with it. Okay, now what?
Writers should write what they know. So if you haven’t been in the military, you probably shouldn’t have your main character be a soldier unless you are willing to do the necessary homework to understand it from a soldier’s perspective. I’m too lazy. So I know my character will be somebody I can relate to on some level. Except that I know nothing about dancing? So why did I choose a dance teacher? Beats me. Problem is, I never danced or had family who danced so I don’t know anything about that. That’s not good.
How about this: She’s never had a dance lesson in her life. She has no idea what she’s doing. Now that I can relate to. And other people can relate as well to the concept of being somewhere where we’re in a little bit over our head. She and I are sounding more alike already. And what a great situation to place a character, for nothing opens the door for comedy better than placing a characters in situations where they don’t naturally belong. I’m not sure that made sense. Remember the show Bosom Buddies from years ago? The one about the two men who had to dress as women to live in their building? That’s what I mean.
Wow, now that opens the door for humor and conflict. But how can she be a dance teacher having never taught dance? It’s got to make sense. Easy….she filled in one day for the regular dance teacher who never came back. It’s a small town. Nobody else wanted the job, the kids kept showing up, and one thing led to another…and here she is. Stuck. She doesn’t want to quit and let the kids down. She’s staying out of obligation. But secretly liking it.
Already I can see the potential for stories here – the experiences with the kids. But I’m jumping ahead. See? The story is already wanting to write itself. But back to the character.
Every character wants something – sometimes more than one thing. They may want physical things or emotional things or both. So I need to make this character want something. How about this: She wants to be bigger than the small town where she lives. She’s got something missing in her life. Problem is, she doesn’t have any idea what, and she keeps chasing after different things each week (each story.) She’s indecisive. At this point my main character has some qualities like me, and some not. That’s okay.
Not only does every story’s main character want something, there has to be something standing in their way of getting it. This is often referred to as the conflict. Notice that we aren’t really worried about what our story is going to be about. We aren’t getting into the story’s plot where you travel down the road of conflict and resolution. We are talking about the main character’s conflict. What makes her tick. The parts about her that may never show up on paper – but that we need to know before we ever begin our story. Does that make sense? It’s almost as if you are doing a report on your character before you even think about writing your story. When you get to writing a story about her, you will find ways to SHOW us what she is like through her actions, rather than a paragraph that opens up and tells us all about her. That’s boring. Yuck. Anyway, back to the main character.
What are some other things about her? At this point I’m just going to list some stuff as it pops into my head. I may not use all of it. I don’t want to give all my quirks (the things that make that character interesting) to the same character. I may want to give her a friend with some of those quirks. But we’ll get to secondary characters in a minute.
Let me take a minute to explain to you something about characters. You want them to be realistic and make a connection to your audience. You want your audience to have a stake in your character – to be rooting for them. You also want your audience to have a stake in your other characters. You want your characters to grow, but also stay true to who they are. This may sound like a lot of work, and sometimes it is. But it’s worth it if you want to have a good story. And sometimes just coming up with a brief description of your character is better than nothing.
These are some possible traits for this main character, including things I need to think about in more depth:
She tries new fashions and never quite pulls them off
Everything relates to food
She’s very uncoordinated
Low self-esteem
Bleeding heart
Wants to save the world
Thinks something is missing in her life
Drives a van with Miss Pinky Lee’s School of Dance on the side
Curses when she’s mad
Eats when she’s upset
Is a magnet for guys she shouldn’t be with
Wants something more than this town has to offer
What was her childhood like? Overweight, funny, failed at most things she did which she happily acknowledged and kept going anyway
What has made her wish so desperately for something out there?
She grew up in a conservative church and is conflicted now
Okay, that’s just a start. Who knows how big the list will grow or what will change and remain the same. Think how much can happen to this character when you start unlocking her personality. I already have so many ideas for stories about her dating life, her relationship with these kids, her uncoordinated attempts to teach, the recitals she has not knowing anything about dance. I even made of list of the messages that could be taught through the stories, like beauty is on the inside, etc. But that’s jumping ahead. We’re only talking about characters today.
What other characters will flavor these stories?
And that brings us to the antagonists or secondary characters as I like to call them. Remember that knowing these characters is as important as knowing your main character.
So I started thinking about what other characters would show up in these stories in addition to the main character? (Notice that I’m already seeing this as a group of stories – all from the creation of one character!)
I’m figuring this to be somewhat of a small town – and southern. Because that’s what I know. This could be anywhere though and still be a good trail for stories. I decided to have my dance studio be an old fast-food chicken place with a faint outline of a chicken still on the wall, and on rainy days you can still smell grease.
The first characters that come to mind are the kids who come to the class (lots of ways to go with that) and the mothers who bring them. Oh my, can you imagine all the types of mothers you can have? And don’t forget all the conflicts that each kid/mother brings with them. When I write these stories I will not work super hard to come up with descriptions on every character – at least not as much as I developed the main character unless it’s a story where the secondary character has a big role.
Then I started thinking about other characters who could come in contact with the dance class. Wouldn’t old people be fun? What flavor they would add. But how would they end up in the stories? How about if the dance studio is next door to the old folks home. Perfect. You’d get a lot of old people shuffling by wanting to see what’s going on. And I think old people make wonderful characters. Think of the many traits you could give your character. If you’re familiar with the current sitcom, King of Queens, think of the father played by Jerry Stiller. Is he not perfect? I think he is one of the greatest characters ever invented on TV. But that’s just my opinion.
And what about my character, Booker Diggs, who in an earlier story of mine was a beer drinking fishing junkie who lost a bet and had to take dance lessons. Turns out he loves it. What a great character to have in the dance studio on a regular basis! I just got chills.
I could go on and on, but enough already. You get the point. You probably don’t find this as exciting as I do, but isn’t it neat to see what has blossomed after just creating an imaginary character? You can do this too! Just please don’t take mine.
Even if you are a storyteller who doesn’t write his own stories, you can still take the time to develop the character in the story you are retelling. Even the good old Jack tale could benefit from a little character development. Just take some time to sit down and think about that character. This is what will make your story relevant to your audience. Then let those qualities shine through in what he says and does. I promise your story will be better for it and your audience will appreciate that you have a character that they can believe in.
I wish you all the best and hope that something in this rambling of mine made sense. Remember that stories aren’t about the plot, they’re about the people. And if you’re having trouble making up some people, good grief, go sit in the airport for an hour and take your journal.
Happy creating!
Stories aren’t about plots, they’re about the people
by Kelly Swanson
President, North Carolina Storytelling Guild
February, 2007
Cedar Grove is a tiny town about a mile and a hair past nowhere. They’ve got two stoplights total and an old brick schoolhouse that also serves as the town hall and bingo headquarters on Thursdays. They’re very proud of their one-half of a fast-food restaurant. The other half is technically in Butner – not the same Butner to which you may be familiar with. Time rolls at a slow pace in Cedar Grove where the most exciting thing that ever happened was the time Cleetus Harley’s pig made front page of the paper for having borned her a piglet with three tails. These stories, they aren’t fancy. They’re just about the people. Kelly Swanson
This is how I open many of my storytelling performances and I have spent years “apologizing” for the fact that my stories don’t have strong plots, just strong characters. I always hoped that my audiences would form a connection with my characters – a connection that would somehow make their lives better having known the characters in my small southern town.
So imagine my surprise when over the course of my studies (I am always studying comedy, writing, storytelling, speaking, etc.) I ran across a book written by one of my favorite comedy writers (Janet Evanovich) where she states that stories aren’t about plots, they’re about the characters. This is not to say that a story doesn’t need a plot, or that plots aren’t important. It is to say that with weak characters, your plot is useless. So if you remember anything today, remember that the story is in the people. Let me say it louder: THE STORY IS IN THE PEOPLE.
She’s not the first one to say it, and most certainly not the last, but for the first time I stopped and listened and let it soak into my brain as another writing truth ingrained in my heart. (Here’s where my husband would tell me to quit being so dramatic.) And so the topic I have chosen to ramble on about for this month is developing characters. I have seen time and time again that when you take the time to fully develop a character, the story will write itself. Did you hear that? Spend time on the character and the story will write itself. I’ve seen it happen over and over. So trust me on this.
I’m a big believer in showing rather than telling, so instead of giving you a list of ways to develop a character, I’m going to show you how I developed a character just last week, and how opening up your mind to these characters will unlock story trails beyond imagination. Okay, so maybe I’m being dramatic again. Let’s just get to work and see if I can show you what I mean.
I’m huffing and puffing away on my treadmill (where I get my best creative work done) and I’m reading what Janet Evanovich (in her book “How I Write”) has to say about the characters in her books. And I was so intrigued and inspired by her insights that I immediately got out my life journal (yes, I actually meant it when I said I had a life journal) and decided to create a character right there on the spot. No story, no plot, no deep hidden meanings – just a character. And as every good writer knows, perfect characters are boring. We want characters who have flaws, who make mistakes – characters who are real.
So I trusted the first person to pop into my head and decided on a girl (because I am one, and know nothing about being a boy and don’t want to do the research to figure it out.) How about a girl who teaches dance in small town. Is it the best character in the world? Who knows, this is just practice so I’ll go with it. Okay, now what?
Writers should write what they know. So if you haven’t been in the military, you probably shouldn’t have your main character be a soldier unless you are willing to do the necessary homework to understand it from a soldier’s perspective. I’m too lazy. So I know my character will be somebody I can relate to on some level. Except that I know nothing about dancing? So why did I choose a dance teacher? Beats me. Problem is, I never danced or had family who danced so I don’t know anything about that. That’s not good.
How about this: She’s never had a dance lesson in her life. She has no idea what she’s doing. Now that I can relate to. And other people can relate as well to the concept of being somewhere where we’re in a little bit over our head. She and I are sounding more alike already. And what a great situation to place a character, for nothing opens the door for comedy better than placing a characters in situations where they don’t naturally belong. I’m not sure that made sense. Remember the show Bosom Buddies from years ago? The one about the two men who had to dress as women to live in their building? That’s what I mean.
Wow, now that opens the door for humor and conflict. But how can she be a dance teacher having never taught dance? It’s got to make sense. Easy….she filled in one day for the regular dance teacher who never came back. It’s a small town. Nobody else wanted the job, the kids kept showing up, and one thing led to another…and here she is. Stuck. She doesn’t want to quit and let the kids down. She’s staying out of obligation. But secretly liking it.
Already I can see the potential for stories here – the experiences with the kids. But I’m jumping ahead. See? The story is already wanting to write itself. But back to the character.
Every character wants something – sometimes more than one thing. They may want physical things or emotional things or both. So I need to make this character want something. How about this: She wants to be bigger than the small town where she lives. She’s got something missing in her life. Problem is, she doesn’t have any idea what, and she keeps chasing after different things each week (each story.) She’s indecisive. At this point my main character has some qualities like me, and some not. That’s okay.
Not only does every story’s main character want something, there has to be something standing in their way of getting it. This is often referred to as the conflict. Notice that we aren’t really worried about what our story is going to be about. We aren’t getting into the story’s plot where you travel down the road of conflict and resolution. We are talking about the main character’s conflict. What makes her tick. The parts about her that may never show up on paper – but that we need to know before we ever begin our story. Does that make sense? It’s almost as if you are doing a report on your character before you even think about writing your story. When you get to writing a story about her, you will find ways to SHOW us what she is like through her actions, rather than a paragraph that opens up and tells us all about her. That’s boring. Yuck. Anyway, back to the main character.
What are some other things about her? At this point I’m just going to list some stuff as it pops into my head. I may not use all of it. I don’t want to give all my quirks (the things that make that character interesting) to the same character. I may want to give her a friend with some of those quirks. But we’ll get to secondary characters in a minute.
Let me take a minute to explain to you something about characters. You want them to be realistic and make a connection to your audience. You want your audience to have a stake in your character – to be rooting for them. You also want your audience to have a stake in your other characters. You want your characters to grow, but also stay true to who they are. This may sound like a lot of work, and sometimes it is. But it’s worth it if you want to have a good story. And sometimes just coming up with a brief description of your character is better than nothing.
These are some possible traits for this main character, including things I need to think about in more depth:
She tries new fashions and never quite pulls them off
Everything relates to food
She’s very uncoordinated
Low self-esteem
Bleeding heart
Wants to save the world
Thinks something is missing in her life
Drives a van with Miss Pinky Lee’s School of Dance on the side
Curses when she’s mad
Eats when she’s upset
Is a magnet for guys she shouldn’t be with
Wants something more than this town has to offer
What was her childhood like? Overweight, funny, failed at most things she did which she happily acknowledged and kept going anyway
What has made her wish so desperately for something out there?
She grew up in a conservative church and is conflicted now
Okay, that’s just a start. Who knows how big the list will grow or what will change and remain the same. Think how much can happen to this character when you start unlocking her personality. I already have so many ideas for stories about her dating life, her relationship with these kids, her uncoordinated attempts to teach, the recitals she has not knowing anything about dance. I even made of list of the messages that could be taught through the stories, like beauty is on the inside, etc. But that’s jumping ahead. We’re only talking about characters today.
What other characters will flavor these stories?
And that brings us to the antagonists or secondary characters as I like to call them. Remember that knowing these characters is as important as knowing your main character.
So I started thinking about what other characters would show up in these stories in addition to the main character? (Notice that I’m already seeing this as a group of stories – all from the creation of one character!)
I’m figuring this to be somewhat of a small town – and southern. Because that’s what I know. This could be anywhere though and still be a good trail for stories. I decided to have my dance studio be an old fast-food chicken place with a faint outline of a chicken still on the wall, and on rainy days you can still smell grease.
The first characters that come to mind are the kids who come to the class (lots of ways to go with that) and the mothers who bring them. Oh my, can you imagine all the types of mothers you can have? And don’t forget all the conflicts that each kid/mother brings with them. When I write these stories I will not work super hard to come up with descriptions on every character – at least not as much as I developed the main character unless it’s a story where the secondary character has a big role.
Then I started thinking about other characters who could come in contact with the dance class. Wouldn’t old people be fun? What flavor they would add. But how would they end up in the stories? How about if the dance studio is next door to the old folks home. Perfect. You’d get a lot of old people shuffling by wanting to see what’s going on. And I think old people make wonderful characters. Think of the many traits you could give your character. If you’re familiar with the current sitcom, King of Queens, think of the father played by Jerry Stiller. Is he not perfect? I think he is one of the greatest characters ever invented on TV. But that’s just my opinion.
And what about my character, Booker Diggs, who in an earlier story of mine was a beer drinking fishing junkie who lost a bet and had to take dance lessons. Turns out he loves it. What a great character to have in the dance studio on a regular basis! I just got chills.
I could go on and on, but enough already. You get the point. You probably don’t find this as exciting as I do, but isn’t it neat to see what has blossomed after just creating an imaginary character? You can do this too! Just please don’t take mine.
Even if you are a storyteller who doesn’t write his own stories, you can still take the time to develop the character in the story you are retelling. Even the good old Jack tale could benefit from a little character development. Just take some time to sit down and think about that character. This is what will make your story relevant to your audience. Then let those qualities shine through in what he says and does. I promise your story will be better for it and your audience will appreciate that you have a character that they can believe in.
I wish you all the best and hope that something in this rambling of mine made sense. Remember that stories aren’t about the plot, they’re about the people. And if you’re having trouble making up some people, good grief, go sit in the airport for an hour and take your journal.
Happy creating!
Kelly Swanson
It's all fun and games 'til the hair gets messed up
Creating a Business Plan
A NEW YEAR…a new plan
by Kelly Swanson
President, North Carolina Storytelling Guild
January, 2007
Here I sit at this familiar place in my life where the nostalgia of another year gone by crosses paths with the excitement of a new year ahead. I look back on the wonderful blessings that the past year brought and at the same time I reflect on the disappointments along the way that serve as a constant reminder that dreams are never easy. I hear so many artists lamenting over dreams that always seem to dangle just out of reach. And I remind them that for every wonderful opportunity, there are always many others that don’t work out – whether you’re a beginning artist or a seasoned one. I like to think that we’re given a gift without clear instructions on how to use it. And the instructions are given to us over time through opportunities big and small. And we need to focus on the journey, not the destination. For tomorrow is a new day. A new year. Okay, I’m rambling. Perhaps I should put the egg nog down and get to the reason for this month’s article – planning your year.
I’m not one for making resolutions at the beginning of a year. Mainly because I’m not one for keeping them and I already spent the last year creating lists of ways to improve myself and we see how that turned out. So even though I’m not a fan of resolutions, I am a fan of making a business plan. And the beginning of the year is the best time to make a business plan. As artists we often don’t see ourselves as business people, but if you want to sell your art successfully it helps if you come up with a plan. There has been much research on how the mere act of putting your plan on paper helps you achieve your goals.
Your business plan does not have to be complicated. It’s simply a plan for how you want to run your business in 2007. What are your goals? How will you try to reach those goals? What is your focus for the upcoming year? How will you plan out your expenses? These are the kinds of questions you want to ask.
The main reason that I like making a business plan is that it keeps me on track. It shows me where I want to focus my energies and my finances. When I think about how much money I need to bring in, it helps me have confidence when quoting fees. Having a plan helps me decide which jobs to take and which jobs to turn down because they don’t fit into the plan. And there’s always room in your plan for change because you wrote it. It’s your plan.
I can’t tell you how to write your business plan. That depends on you and your own personal dreams for the future. I can’t tell you where to get business or how much you need to spend to grow your business. There are certainly far more qualified people to speak on that subject. I would like to help you get the process going so I’m going to show you the bullet points that will be in my business plan for 2007. Use it as you wish, or come up with something of your own. These are just ideas to get you thinking about the year ahead.
Kelly’s Business Plan for 2007
Getting New Business…I’m going to ask myself who my customers will be for this year. Where will I go for new business? How will I approach them? What types of customers are best for what I do? I will probably make a list of three or four target audiences. For example: libraries, women’s conferences, storytelling festivals, corporate banquets. Throughout the year whenever I am faced with incoming business or outgoing expenses, I will ask myself how it fits into my plan. This really helps me from spending money in areas that don’t fit my focus.
Getting More Business from Old and Current Business…Do I stay in touch with my clients from the past? Do I send them reminders and updates to keep me fresh in their minds? Do I make the best use of my current clients? Do I ask them for referrals? One of the best ways to get repeat business is on the heels of current business. Ask them for names of other people who might like what you do.
by Kelly Swanson
President, North Carolina Storytelling Guild
January, 2007
Here I sit at this familiar place in my life where the nostalgia of another year gone by crosses paths with the excitement of a new year ahead. I look back on the wonderful blessings that the past year brought and at the same time I reflect on the disappointments along the way that serve as a constant reminder that dreams are never easy. I hear so many artists lamenting over dreams that always seem to dangle just out of reach. And I remind them that for every wonderful opportunity, there are always many others that don’t work out – whether you’re a beginning artist or a seasoned one. I like to think that we’re given a gift without clear instructions on how to use it. And the instructions are given to us over time through opportunities big and small. And we need to focus on the journey, not the destination. For tomorrow is a new day. A new year. Okay, I’m rambling. Perhaps I should put the egg nog down and get to the reason for this month’s article – planning your year.
I’m not one for making resolutions at the beginning of a year. Mainly because I’m not one for keeping them and I already spent the last year creating lists of ways to improve myself and we see how that turned out. So even though I’m not a fan of resolutions, I am a fan of making a business plan. And the beginning of the year is the best time to make a business plan. As artists we often don’t see ourselves as business people, but if you want to sell your art successfully it helps if you come up with a plan. There has been much research on how the mere act of putting your plan on paper helps you achieve your goals.
Your business plan does not have to be complicated. It’s simply a plan for how you want to run your business in 2007. What are your goals? How will you try to reach those goals? What is your focus for the upcoming year? How will you plan out your expenses? These are the kinds of questions you want to ask.
The main reason that I like making a business plan is that it keeps me on track. It shows me where I want to focus my energies and my finances. When I think about how much money I need to bring in, it helps me have confidence when quoting fees. Having a plan helps me decide which jobs to take and which jobs to turn down because they don’t fit into the plan. And there’s always room in your plan for change because you wrote it. It’s your plan.
I can’t tell you how to write your business plan. That depends on you and your own personal dreams for the future. I can’t tell you where to get business or how much you need to spend to grow your business. There are certainly far more qualified people to speak on that subject. I would like to help you get the process going so I’m going to show you the bullet points that will be in my business plan for 2007. Use it as you wish, or come up with something of your own. These are just ideas to get you thinking about the year ahead.
Kelly’s Business Plan for 2007
Getting New Business…I’m going to ask myself who my customers will be for this year. Where will I go for new business? How will I approach them? What types of customers are best for what I do? I will probably make a list of three or four target audiences. For example: libraries, women’s conferences, storytelling festivals, corporate banquets. Throughout the year whenever I am faced with incoming business or outgoing expenses, I will ask myself how it fits into my plan. This really helps me from spending money in areas that don’t fit my focus.
Getting More Business from Old and Current Business…Do I stay in touch with my clients from the past? Do I send them reminders and updates to keep me fresh in their minds? Do I make the best use of my current clients? Do I ask them for referrals? One of the best ways to get repeat business is on the heels of current business. Ask them for names of other people who might like what you do.
Fee Structure and Discount Policy…What will I charge this year? How much do I need to bring in to meet my expenses and make a profit? Under what circumstances will I lower my rate? Will I do any pro bono work, and how will I determine what pro bono work to take? How will I quote my fees? What will be included? How will I phrase it when I quote them my fee? Think these things through in your mind and it will be much easier when you’re asked for a quote.
Product Sales and Product Creation…Will I create any product this year? How will I aim to sell more product this year? Do my products fit the audiences I have chosen to target this year? Am I making the most of my back-of-the-room sales?
Customer Service…Is there anything I want to do differently this year with my clients? Any new policies I want to incorporate? How are my customer service skills? Do I reply in a timely manner? Am I easy to work with?
Services that I offer…Do I want to offer a workshop this year or coaching? Is there a new program and/or a new audience that I want to target? Does my promotional material (web, brochure, etc.) reflect these new changes?
Networking…How will I get my name out in the community this year? What organizations will I join? What groups will I become active in?
Budget…How much do I need to live? What are my future monetary goals? What do I need to make this year to meet these goals and needs? How much can I spend to grow my business? Do I need to raise my rates to meet those needs?
Inventory…Will I track inventory? Will this be a manual process or an electronic process? Will I run it through my accounting package?
Continuing Education…What sort of education do I need this year? How much money can I afford to spend on workshops and conferences? Which workshops and conferences fit into my target market and business plan?
Material…How is my portfolio of creative material? Are there some things that are lacking? Does my material fit the audience I’ve chosen to target this year? Does my promotional material reflect my current portfolio? Is there a way to change my material so that it adds value in the marketplace?
And there you have a list of topics I have chosen for my business plan of 2007. You may have more topics on your list. Or you may just have one or two. Or you may choose not to do it at all. That’s okay. It’s YOUR plan. Make it simple and make it realistic.
I wish you all the best as we head into this new year. I hope you find peace and joy at every turn and that your disappointments pale in comparison to your blessings. We’ll talk more next month.
And there you have a list of topics I have chosen for my business plan of 2007. You may have more topics on your list. Or you may just have one or two. Or you may choose not to do it at all. That’s okay. It’s YOUR plan. Make it simple and make it realistic.
I wish you all the best as we head into this new year. I hope you find peace and joy at every turn and that your disappointments pale in comparison to your blessings. We’ll talk more next month.
Kelly Swanson
It's all fun and games 'til the hair gets messed up
Putting Stories Together to Make a Show
PUTTING STORIES TOGETHER
TO MAKE A SHOW
by Kelly Swanson
President, North Carolina Storytelling Guild
November, 2006
Somewhere along the way, I have realized that people are more interested in buying a show, than in buying Kelly Swanson the storyteller. Especially if you give your show a cute and catchy title like “It’s all fun and games ‘til the hair gets messed up.” Please don’t use that title for your show. I’m already using it.
With the holiday season quickly approaching, it makes sense to talk about how to put stories together to form a holiday show. Christmas is usually my biggest season with the number of holiday parties (churches, businesses, private parties, etc) that are looking for entertainment. So I’m going to show you how I put together a Christmas show. You will find that this process can be easily applied no matter where you take your storytelling.
I’ve made a list of the process that I go through to put a show together. I am using Christmas as an example, but you can see how it would work no matter what your theme.
Start by thinking where you plan on taking your show, and what kind of audience you want to target. For the sake of example, let’s say that you want to do a show for kids. You will probably have to be more specific than that because performing for toddlers requires something different than performing for fifth graders. Let’s say that you want to reach a wide span of ages. So we’ll focus on first through fifth grades.
TO MAKE A SHOW
by Kelly Swanson
President, North Carolina Storytelling Guild
November, 2006
Somewhere along the way, I have realized that people are more interested in buying a show, than in buying Kelly Swanson the storyteller. Especially if you give your show a cute and catchy title like “It’s all fun and games ‘til the hair gets messed up.” Please don’t use that title for your show. I’m already using it.
With the holiday season quickly approaching, it makes sense to talk about how to put stories together to form a holiday show. Christmas is usually my biggest season with the number of holiday parties (churches, businesses, private parties, etc) that are looking for entertainment. So I’m going to show you how I put together a Christmas show. You will find that this process can be easily applied no matter where you take your storytelling.
I’ve made a list of the process that I go through to put a show together. I am using Christmas as an example, but you can see how it would work no matter what your theme.
Start by thinking where you plan on taking your show, and what kind of audience you want to target. For the sake of example, let’s say that you want to do a show for kids. You will probably have to be more specific than that because performing for toddlers requires something different than performing for fifth graders. Let’s say that you want to reach a wide span of ages. So we’ll focus on first through fifth grades.
Then think about what kind of message or theme you would like to have. In this case we have already decided that it’s Christmas. I can tell you right now, that you may have trouble selling that to the schools so you might want to call it a holiday program. Or call it a Christmas program and sell it to churches. It’s up to you.
Decide on a message or a common theme that you want to have in your show. I’m going to choose “Christmas around the world” as a theme for this example. If you want to use that theme, go ahead. If everybody did a show on that theme they would still be different because we would choose different ways to do that. So our theme is Christmas is around the world, and we want to show how children in other cultures celebrate Christmas. Not all cultures celebrate Christmas. So you may decide to change your theme and do something about holiday traditions in other cultures. Or do something different – like Christmas through the ages in America – the traditions back through time. Your options are endless.
Now decide the length of your show. I would suggest 45 minutes - no matter what you do or where. And I would recommend that you do not do one story that is 45 minutes long. I suggest that you do short pieces (all five minutes or less) and piece them together. You might want to have some extra stories ready in case someone asks you to perform longer. And because you are putting short pieces together, you have the flexibility to take away pieces if there are any last minute scheduling changes, or if you are asked to do a thirty-minute show. There have been cases where I was about to walk on stage and was told that I needed to cut ten minutes because we were behind schedule. Be prepared to be flexible.
Now choose stories that represent your theme. Find stories about how children celebrate Christmas all over the world. Look in libraries or on the internet. If you have relatives from other countries, ask them, and you will have some personal stories in there too. You could talk about food, costumes, songs, toys, parades, Christmas hymns and where they originated, etc.
Find things to put in between your stories that will break them up yet tie them together as well. You may want to read a poem, sing a song, do a dance, etc.
Find other things that will make your show interesting and/or educational. If you are good with Power Point, bring pictures. Dress in costume. Bring props that represent the different areas of the world. Have music playing in the background. Do an audience participation game. Ask them questions. Bring a doll from each area you talk about. These are just ideas. I’m sure you can come up with others.
Put your stories together so that there is a good balance. Alternate the funny with the serious. Don’t do two long stories and then three short ones. Do a short, a long, and then a short.
Now learn your stories and practice your show
Give it a catchy title that will make people want to come. I kind of like “Christmas Around the World” as the title. But you can choose whatever works for you.
You might want to design some sort of picture to accompany the title. Clip art is fine. Or try drawing something yourself. Be careful with clipart and make sure that it is not copyright protected.
Write a one-paragraph description of the show that will make people want to come
Do a flyer or a brochure or a postcard about the show and send it out to groups who may be interested. People starting booking for Christmas shows in early October all the way through November.
Do a flyer or a brochure or a postcard about the show and send it out to groups who may be interested. People starting booking for Christmas shows in early October all the way through November.
Decide how much you want to charge for your show and how much you are willing to negotiate
If you have the means, tape the show on your laptop, burn it on CD, and make copies. Put on a cute label with your contact information. Sell the CD at the event.
If you have the means, tape the show on your laptop, burn it on CD, and make copies. Put on a cute label with your contact information. Sell the CD at the event.
Ask clients if they have the means to videotape it. Wouldn’t it be great to get it on tape? Then you can sell it at all of your future events, year after year.
Once you have performed your show ask your client to write a testimonial letter about that show (referencing the show in their letter) and then you can send it with your flyer the next time you try to sell that show.
Now wasn’t that easy? Good luck putting together your own show.
Now wasn’t that easy? Good luck putting together your own show.
Kelly Swanson
It's all fun and games 'til the hair gets messed up
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