Happily Ever Laughter

Ah, marriage. So many have done it, written about it, sung about it, longed to have it, made movies about it, bought dresses for it, went broke because of it, and cried in their beers over it. And still when it’s our turn, it’s both magical and mysterious. We’re filled with hope and awe and images of ourselves sitting on a front porch holding hands into the twilight of our lives. And one day, somewhere down the line, the honeymoon ends and real life sets in and you start to get a good idea of what forever is going to feel like. That part of the fairy tale they never show you – when the handsome prince grows a spare tire, the fairy princess develops anger issues, and the once-upon-a-time you dreamed about is littered with dirty laundry, unpaid bills, and images of killing him in his sleep.

Today I speak to you as one who has settled into the real life stage of marriage. As one who can help give you some advice to prepare you for the hills and valleys that lay ahead. You see, I married Mr. Right. I just didn’t realize his first name was Always. My friend found her Mr. Right too, but his first name is Can’t-Do-Anything. Even finding your Mister Right doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. So today I share with you some words of wisdom to help you on the road to a happy marriage. Tips to a happy marriage.

Don’t do it
Okay, well will just skip over that one why don’t we?

Embrace Your Differences
Understand that you are different people. And it’s okay. My husband is the smart one. He lays awake at night pondering the mysteries of the universe. I lay awake wondering what happens to their tattoos when big people lose weight, or how veterinarians get their dogs to pee in a cup.

Do things to spice up your marriage
The other day my husband suggested we do something new in the bedroom. I suggested he pick up his socks. It’s good to make sure you always have a date night. We do. I have Tuesday, he has Thursday.

Take the good with the bad.
90% of the time you’ll look at him and say I want to spend the rest of my life with you. The other ten percent you’re looking for ways to fake your death. You’ll go from thinking it is the cutest thing how he drools when he sleeps to……Good grief if I hear him suck in his breath when he eats a sandwich one more time I’m going to tear my eyes out!

Find new levels of intimacy
One day you’ll go from standing in the doorway wearing that smoking hot little black dress to…….Hey honey! Come here!! You have got to see what is growing in between my toes! Fooling around may start as an all night affair. Now, it’s “Hurry up! We’ve got five minutes before Law and Order starts! You go from, “Honey, could you rub lotion on my shoulders” to “Hey babe! Can you come pluck this hair for me? I think it’s infected!”And by the way, don’t take sex advice from old people. To them, safe sex is not breaking a hip.

Don’t compare yourself to others
Don’t be intimidated by those sappy couples who are all gushy and sweet, like my friend who got her husband’s handprints put in cement and hung up on her wall so she could “always know what it feels like to have his hand in mine.” (Gagging motion) Shoot. I’ve got that without paying anything. Come over to my house and you can check out his butt print on the recliner.

Keep the lines of communication open
For the record husbands, when she asks what’s on TV, don’t ever say dust. Appreciate the fact that now she’ll hang on every word you say. Ten years from now the only time she’ll listen to every word you say is when you’re talking in your sleep. I asked my husband why we haven’t spoken all day. He said he didn’t want to interrupt me. I told my husband he needs to get in touch with his feminine side. So he started listening, communicating, and asking if his butt looks big in these pants.

And there you have it. My tips to a happy marriage. Nurture them. Use them wisely. Refer to them often. And if I’m still married ten years from now. I’ll write another one.
Best wishes!